Face to Face
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Two-Face begins being able to ignore the dictates of his coin, and is released from Arkham Asylum and reunited with his friend Bruce Wayne. As Harvey Dent tries to readjust to living a normal life without his alter ego and lunatic associates, the two former friends struggle to rebuild the relationship they had before they became Two-Face and Batman.
1. Chapter 1

**Face to Face**

"Now Harvey, I want you to flip the coin," said Dr. Joan Leland, head of Arkham Asylum, holding up two cards. "Good side, I want you to take this green card. Or bad side, I want you to take the red one."

"Ok," said Two-Face slowly, taking his coin out of his pocket and flipping it into the air. He caught it and opened his hand. "It's bad side up," he murmured.

"So take this red card from me," said Dr. Leland, holding it out to him.

Slowly, almost imperceptibly, Two-Face shook his head. "No," he said firmly, taking the green one instead.

"Fascinating," said Dr. Leland, studying him. Then she smiled. "And very encouraging, Harvey," she said, writing something down in a notebook in front of her. "You say this ability to ignore the coin's commands started around Valentine's Day?"

"Yeah, I had gone to Brazil to get away from things," said Two-Face. "And I had picked up a woman in a bar, and the coin told me to…y'know, consummate things, but…I didn't. I just didn't want to, and it would have felt wrong to obey it. I…I told Pam…uh...Poison Ivy…I think it's because of her. I'm in love with her, even though she doesn't want me to be, but we're kinda casually together and…it's complicated," he finished.

"Yes, I'm very aware of the complicated relationships that seem to go on in this asylum," sighed Dr. Leland. "Joker and Harley spring to mind."

"They're not complicated – they're just nuts," retorted Two-Face. "It's different for Pammie and me. If it were up to me, I'd be happy for us to be a couple, to start a life and maybe a future together. But she…doesn't want that. But I just can't seem to get over her and move on, and now this happens…"

"Yes, she does appear to have been the catalyst," agreed Dr. Leland. "This seems to be one aspect of your life that you're not willing to just leave to chance, that you actually do want to fight for."

"So what should I do?" asked Two-Face.

"About Ivy? I don't know," said Dr. Leland. "She's not exactly the kind of person who changes her mind about things. You should talk to Harley."

"Because she's Pam's friend?" asked Two-Face, confused. "You think she can talk her into changing her mind about me?"

"Because she's in the same situation with the Joker," retorted Dr. Leland. "You should see how she copes."

Two-Face stared at her. "Are you saying I'm the Harley of our relationship?" he demanded.

"If you want to put it like that," agreed Dr. Leland, nodding. "But moving swiftly on, I'm very impressed by your incredible psychological progress in so short a time. You've been so dependent on the coin for every decision you've ever made, and now you're actually able to ignore it. To exert that kind of free will over something that's controlled your life for so long is almost astounding to me. It's like a complete transformation. And now that you don't have to depend on it, you can try making decisions for yourself. You can try choosing the person you want to be."

"Yeah…it's kinda scary to have that choice back," said Two-Face, slowly. "The coin always absolved me of any responsibility for my actions – I could blame the bad stuff I did on fate and chance. But now I have to take responsibility for my own decisions. That's almost terrifying – what if I keep choosing to do bad things?"

"We all choose to do bad things from time to time," said Dr. Leland. "I'm cheating on my diet all this week, for instance. That doesn't make me a bad person – it makes me human. Human beings make mistakes, and learn from them. I hope you can do that now, Harvey."

"I hope so too," agreed Two-Face, nodding. "Could you do me a favor?"

"Of course," said Dr. Leland.

"Can you…call Bruce Wayne?" he asked. "And tell him what's going on with me?"

"Why can't you do that?" asked Dr. Leland, puzzled. "I'm sure he'd like to hear the good news from you."

"I think it would be better coming from you – from someone in authority," replied Two-Face. "I don't know if Bruce would trust me to be able to judge myself when I say I'm getting better. I am mentally unstable, after all – maybe he'd think I was delusional."

"I'm sure he would never think that," said Dr. Leland. "Bruce is your friend, and friends support each other. I'm sure he'll be thrilled to hear about your progress."

"I hope so," agreed Two-Face. "I've made a lot of bad decisions where he's concerned but…Bruce is the best friend I've ever had, and he's never given up on me. I don't know how I can ever repay him for that."

"Friends don't expect payment, Harvey," said Dr. Leland. "And Bruce is a true friend. Which is actually kinda at odds with his reputation as a flighty and uncommitted playboy. I guess he has hidden depths after all, although you'd never know that from those celebrity gossip magazines. It's almost like he doesn't want people to know how loyal and loving he actually is for some reason, and this playboy thing is just a front to cover for something else, like some dark and terrible secret."

"I see why you might think that, but you're wrong," said Two-Face. "Bruce has a hard time getting close to people because of what happened to his parents, but there's nothing he won't do for the people he cares about. He cares very deeply, just not for many people, because he doesn't want to risk experiencing the trauma of losing the people he loves again, and the more people you love, the greater the risk of losing them. That's why he's flighty and uncommitted – he often is in relationships, but it comes from fear rather than malice. The only façade he puts on is that of being happy – I don't think he is deep down. But there's nothing Bruce and I don't know about each other, and trust me, he has no dark and terrible secret."


	2. Chapter 2

Batman was in the middle of a rooftop rumble with Killer Croc, who was hurling rocks at him, when his phone rang. He answered it in his cowl as he dodged out of the way.

"Mr. Wayne? This is Dr. Leland from Arkham Asylum," said the voice on the other end. "I hope I'm not calling at a bad time?"

"Uh…no, doctor, not at all," Batman replied, as he ducked and a rock shattered over his head.

"Are you sure? You sound distracted," said Dr. Leland.

"I'm just at a…boxing match," invented Batman, as he punched Croc hard across the face. "What's this about?"

"It's about Harvey Dent," replied Dr. Leland. "I know he's a close personal friend of yours, and he wanted me to tell you about his progress. He's had an incredible breakthrough."

"Really?" asked Batman, who had managed to force Croc into a headlock. "What kind of breakthrough?"

"He's started being able to ignore the coin, and make decisions for himself," said Dr. Leland. "I told him this changes everything, and it does – it could reshape his entire identity, and even lead to him being discharged if he's actually able to rehabilitate himself. And I'm hopeful that he can now that he's overcome this stumbling block. As his friend, he thought you might want to know."

"Of course I do," said Batman, slamming Croc down on the roof and tightening his arms around his throat. "This is wonderful news, doctor. I'll stop by to visit him first thing tomorrow, how about that?"

"You'd be more than welcome, Mr. Wayne," replied Dr. Leland. "I would actually appreciate your insight on something, since you two used to be so close before his accident. Did he ever, to your knowledge…obsessively fixate on a woman?"

"That's an odd question," said Batman, as Croc struggled against him to stay conscious. "He had a lot of girlfriends, but nothing too serious. Of course there was that incident with Pamela Isley – he met her and two weeks later he was proposing to her. But that's the only time that's happened. The only other real noteworthy relationship was his fiancee Grace Lamont, and it took him four years to propose to her. So no, I wouldn't say that was a character trait he possessed."

"Well, it appears to be something that's evolved," said Dr. Leland. "I normally don't think obsessions are good things – God knows that's why most of our patients are in here. But if Harvey's has led him to become less dependent on the coin, and able to make his own decisions, that's good. I just hope he's not swapping one form of control for another, replacing the coin's dictates with the dictates of a woman. That wouldn't be progress as such, but at this point there's reason to be optimistic. If he can demonstrate that he can make good, sensible decisions on his own, there's no reason why he couldn't be discharged from Arkham."

"Please let him know that if he needs a place to stay, my home is always open," said Batman, checking to make sure that he had choked Croc into unconsciousness before releasing him.

"I'm sure you can tell him that yourself tomorrow," said Dr. Leland. "I'll see you at nine, Mr. Wayne."

"See you then – thanks for calling, doctor," said Batman, hanging up. "Well, I hope she's right about him making progress," he said to himself, as he tied Croc up in his grappling hook and then dragged him down the stairs to the Batmobile. "That would really be something, to have my friend back."

He climbed into the Batmobile, slamming the door, and just sat there for a moment. It had been a long time since Harvey Dent had become Two-Face, a long time that Bruce had been without his best friend, one of the few people in his life who always understood him, even if he didn't know about Batman. Harvey had been there for him from the beginning, since before his parents' deaths. He had helped him cope with the trauma of that as best he could – he understood the darkness within him without knowing all the details about how he had harnessed that darkness to fight crime in Gotham. But now…now if he truly was cured, if everything was different…maybe he deserved the truth.

"Or maybe not," muttered Batman, starting the engine. Maybe he was getting way ahead of himself. Harvey was still Two-Face, and maybe he always would be. Maybe this whole thing was just an act on his part to get out of Arkham – there was no reason to get his hopes up just yet. But the thought that it wasn't an act, the thought that maybe his old friend could be cured at last was incredible. It felt like a ray of hope in a world of night.

Batman wasn't really the type to have friends – he had proteges and colleagues, but that wasn't the same thing. Even Alfred didn't know some of the things Harvey knew about him. Alfred was a father figure, and people like Robin and Batgirl were a lot younger than he was – their experiences of life were different. But Harvey had always been his equal, battling his own darkness even before Two-Face fully consumed him. They had shared that darkness with each other, they had shared laughter and tears and pretty much everything that made the burdens of life lighter. When Harvey had become Two-Face, when Batman couldn't save him from that darkness, it had been almost as great a blow to him as losing his parents had been. And if it truly were possible that he could be cured now…it was almost like having his parents back.

"Batman, thanks for bringing Croc back," said Dr. Leland, as Batman met her at the reception at Arkham Asylum.

"Happy to help, Dr. Leland," said Batman. "I think everyone else is in here who should be."

"For now," sighed Dr. Leland. "But I do have high hopes where Two-Face is concerned – it's very likely he might be released as a cured, sane citizen soon."

"I truly hope that's possible," said Batman. "But forgive me if I'm not optimistic."

"Are you ok?" asked Dr. Leland, studying him. "You seem more...brooding than usual, and I didn't think that was possible."

"I have a lot on my mind," replied Batman, turning away from her.

"Ok. You know, Arkham isn't just a place you bring bad guys to," said Dr. Leland, gently. "If you ever need to talk, my door is always open."

Batman said nothing, heading back to the Batmobile. But he was restless on the drive back, and when he returned to the Batcave, he immediately launched into his training, focusing on beating some training dummies into oblivion, and not on what was going on in his heart and mind.

"Sir?" asked Alfred, coming down the stairs to greet him. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine, Alfred," retorted Batman, slamming his fist into a dummy's face.

"Did you catch Croc?" asked Alfred.

"I did," said Batman. "And Gotham seems quiet tonight."

"But you're not," said Alfred, pressing a remote so the dummies disappeared under the floor. "You can't hide these things from me, Master Bruce. What's troubling you?"

Batman sighed, removing his mask. "Dr. Leland called," he said. "She said there's a chance Harvey…could be cured. He's been able to stop listening to the coin…she says he could even be released."

"Well, that's wonderful news, sir," said Alfred. "And exactly what we've been hoping for all these years."

"Yes," said Bruce. "I guess that's it. I'm not used to the things I hope for coming true. I'm not used to good news…" He trailed off.

"But this isn't just good news, is it?" asked Alfred, gently. "It raises a lot of questions for you, and your relationship with Mr. Dent. Can things go back to the way they were between you? Could you even tell him about Batman? Or will there always be some mistrust because of…who you are, and who he used to be. You've had to deal with your absent friend for so long – you've gone through mourning him as you would if he had died. And now it's as if he's come back to life. Even with the joy, there's bound to be trepidation about that. You know you can't just pick up where you left off, and you wonder if things are too different now for you to build a new relationship."

"You sound like you've had some experience with this," said Bruce, looking up at him.

"Only with you, sir," replied Alfred, smiling. "When you went off to train in Tibet and God knows where else…well, you were so changed after your parents' deaths, and I wasn't sure how changed you would be again by all that. I had a vision of that hurt and angry boy in my head when I picked you up at the airport, but you had suddenly grown into a man. It was startling – like meeting a stranger. It seemed like the pain was gone, replaced by a firm resolution, a quiet, calm determination masking the rage. The boy I knew had gone, died somewhere in that far away place, and what came back was a man. More than a man," he added, clapping him on the shoulder. "Batman. And getting to know him again has been no small challenge, but I wouldn't miss it for the world."

"Thanks, Alfred," said Bruce, smiling. "I guess these things do work out somehow."

"Usually, sir," replied Alfred, nodding. "Now come on – let's get you bathed and put to bed. You have a busy day tomorrow."


	3. Chapter 3

"Bruce, it's so good to see you again!" said Two-Face, beaming as Bruce Wayne was led into the interview room the next day. "How have you been? You look tired – another late night last night?"

"You know me, Harvey," replied Bruce, smiling as he sat down opposite him. "Never in bed before sunrise if I can avoid it."

"Well, not your bed for sure!" laughed Two-Face. "Don't ever change, Bruce!"

"Don't worry - I never do," replied Bruce. "You're in a very good mood today, Harvey. That's nice to see."

"And why shouldn't I be?" asked Two-Face. "I know I'm still locked up in here, but for the first time since I can remember, I feel…free. The ability to make decisions…there's just nothing like it. I feel like a prisoner released from a long-term sentence."

"Those kinds of people often have difficulty adjusting back into normal life," commented Bruce.

"Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it – I'm not free yet!" laughed Two-Face. "Anyway, Dr. Leland said it would be ok if you came and ate breakfast with us, and I can show you how well I can make choices now."

"I said if Mr. Wayne felt comfortable with that, it would be a possibility," interrupted Dr. Leland, entering the room at that moment. "But he might not want to have breakfast with the inmates, Harvey. You know how…unstable some of them can be."

"Oh, I don't mind," said Bruce, standing up and smiling. "As a celebrity, I deal with unstable people all the time."

"Do these unstable people frequently try to murder you?" asked Dr. Leland, concerned. "Because that's what these unstable people do."

"I think you'd be surprised," replied Bruce. "But believe me, Dr. Leland, I can handle myself. Lead the way, Harvey."

"See? I told you he'd be up for it," said Two-Face. "Bruce Wayne is not scared of a few lunatics."

"Yeah…and we've given the porridge time to cool so nobody can scald him with it," sighed Dr. Leland, as she led them to the cafeteria. "Just…if the Joker offers you anything, don't take it," she said, opening the door. "I know that's probably common sense, but after Harley, I feel the need to communicate these things."

"Noted," said Bruce, as he followed Two-Face into the cafeteria. Most of the inmates were there, seated on the long tables and listening to Croc describing the events of last night.

"…so then I threw a rock at him," Croc was saying.

"That was your first mistake, Crocky old boy," sighed Joker, pouring cinnamon sugar on his porridge. "No joke in crushing a bat with a rock, is there?"

"Well, Ozzy Osbourne's a rock star, and he once bit the head off a bat," commented Harley Quinn, who was cuddled next to Joker, feeding him spoonfuls from her bowl. "So maybe there's some joke there."

"God, you are terrible at comedy, Harl," sighed Joker, rolling his eyes.

"At least Batman would be dead," muttered Poison Ivy, who was picking distastefully at her bowl. "I don't care who does it or how, as long as it gets done. I think wanting to be the one to do it the exactly perfect way has something to do with masculine vanity – women aren't nearly so picky."

"No, I've reached that point now too," spoke up Jonathan Crane, who was feeding his porridge to the baby raven perched on his shoulder. "I don't need to be the one who kills him – just please, somebody, do it."

"Well, you are basically a woman, Craney, so Ivy's theory could be correct," said Joker, smiling at him. "Harvey, good morning!" he said, noticing Two-Face and turning his attention toward him. "And billionaire socialite Bruce Wayne!" he exclaimed, his eyes lighting up with the promise of mischief as he leapt to his feet. "This is an honor! Please have a seat!" he said, bowing and gesturing to where he had been sitting.

"No, don't do that," said Two-Face, grabbing Bruce's arm and dragging him to the far end of the table. "He's probably left a whoopie cushion or something."

"God, you are no fun anymore, you know that, Harv?" demanded Joker, removing the whoopie cushion from the seat and replacing it in his pocket. "I blame the Plant Lady – she probably sucked out your sense of humor when she was sucking a few other things."

"Hey, shut up!" snapped Ivy. "I don't do that to men!"

"Just plants, huh?" asked Joker.

"Shut up!" repeated Ivy, raising her fist to punch Joker.

"No, no, no, let's not have a fight while Mr. Wayne's here," said Dr. Leland, rushing over and grabbing Ivy's fist. "The last thing we need is a lawsuit on our hands from a billionaire who can afford excellent lawyers!"

"Then you tell Mr. Happy to shut his mouth!" snapped Ivy.

"Yeah, because he listens to authority figures," retorted Dr. Leland, sarcastically. "Just ignore him, Pamela."

"That's not exactly easy to do," snapped Ivy.

"Which is a phrase nobody has ever said in relation to you, is it?" chuckled Joker. "From what I hear, you're so easy to do, even Croc could manage it."

"Manage what?" asked Croc, but Joker didn't have time to respond before Ivy socked Joker across the face, knocking him to the ground and throttling him.

"No, Red, the doctors say you should wait at least twenty minutes after eating to fight or you'll get stomach cramps!" exclaimed Harley, trying to pull her off Joker as Dr. Leland rushed to aid her.

"I bet you won't miss these fights when you're out of here," commented Bruce.

The fighting instantly ceased as a sudden hush fell upon the room. "When you're…what?" asked Joker, looking up at Two-Face.

"Harvey, what's he talking about?" asked Ivy, who was stunned enough to release Joker.

"Yeah, that's not…common knowledge yet, Bruce," muttered Two-Face. He cleared his throat. "Um…since Bruce has brought it up…Dr. Leland thinks because of my progress in being able to…think for myself and ignore the coin…that I might be released from Arkham soon."

"Released?" repeated Joker. "You mean like…permanently?"

"Well, here's hoping," said Two-Face, nodding. "Assuming I don't relapse, but I don't think there's any reason for me to do that. I feel like I've managed to reconcile the two halves of myself somehow – before it felt like they were constantly at war, which is why I needed the coin to decide things for me, because I didn't know which half to listen to. But now…now it's like they've called a truce, which is why I can decide things for myself. Look, I can choose between coffee and tea," he said, heading over to the buffet and taking a cup of coffee. "And I can choose to put milk and sugar in it. I mean, can you believe it, Bruce?" he asked, turning to him and beaming. "I can actually make these decisions for myself now, without anyone's help. It's been a long time since I've been able to do that – before the accident, in fact. If I've been able to overcome that…I'm hopeful there's nothing I can't overcome."

"But…that means you won't be in here anymore," said Joker, slowly.

"Yes," said Two-Face, nodding. "Isn't that wonderful? Don't tell me you're going to miss me, J," he said, grinning.

"I'm not," snapped Joker. "I have plenty of other people in here to torment – I don't need you or your stupid half-face. Excuse me," he said, standing up and storming out of the cafeteria with Harley following him.

Ivy continued to just stare at Two-Face. "Harvey...why didn't you tell me?" she murmured.

"Well, I wasn't sure myself until yesterday, and I didn't want to get my hopes up," said Two-Face. "Or yours. But I feel…like a whole man again, Pam. I know I have you to thank for it," he said, taking her hands. "And I know I never can thank you enough. But I like to think you're happy for me."

"Of course I am," said Ivy, hugging him. "Very happy. And proud. And…"

She trailed off. "And?" prompted Two-Face.

"And…good luck," she said, shaking his hand. "Out there, I mean…I…excuse me, I have to go," she said, hurrying from the room.

"Gee, I wasn't expecting that announcement to run so many people off," commented Two-Face, looking around.

"Well, fleeing is how many people deal with fear," said Crane, nodding. "And first with Jervis being released, and now you, I think those people left in here are fearing that they're being left behind. That others are growing and changing and moving on with their lives, while they're stuck here in a hellish rut of never-ending violence and imprisonment until they die miserable, broken, and alone…but not me, of course," he added, hastily. "I have a very rich and fulfilling life. Excuse me," he said, standing up and heading off.

"Well, I'm happy for you, Harvey," commented Croc, who was the only inmate left at the table. "But better you than me, having to go back out into the world and mix with normal people again. You don't know what it's like to deal with them when you look like a freak, but you'll find out soon, and it won't be pretty."

"Don't listen to him, Harvey – they can do all kinds of things with plastic surgery these days," said Bruce, reassuringly. "Once you're out of here, we'll look into that – after all, if your mind is reconciled again, there's no reason why your face shouldn't be, right?"

"Right," said Two-Face, nodding slowly. "Right. That's a…decision I'll have to make. And one I'm perfectly capable of doing now," he added, tucking into his breakfast.

"Maybe don't get ahead of yourself considering big decisions like that yet, Harvey," said Dr. Leland, gently. "Stick to baby steps for now, and gradually build up to the big things. Let's just focus on the small choices that will get you out of here first."

"Well, one thing he doesn't have to choose is a place to live once he's out," said Bruce. "I insist that you come stay with me at Wayne Manor, Harvey."

"That's kind of you, Bruce," said Two-Face, smiling at him. "I really appreciate it, thank you."

"Hey, it'll be fun," said Bruce. "Remember when you were putting yourself through law school, and you stayed with me and Alfred before I headed off to Tibet?"

"Well, I don't really remember a lot of it," said Two-Face, grinning "There was some hard drinking involved, as I recall."

"I could probably still drink you under the table," said Bruce, grinning back.

"You're welcome to try," retorted Two-Face. "It'll be just like old times."

"Yeah," agreed Bruce. "Just like old times. Can't wait to go back."

Bruce was used to wearing a mask – he wore one for most of his life. But his forced smile cracked slightly as he said those words. Mostly because in his heart, he was sure he could never go back.


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey Pam, can we talk?" asked Two-Face, as he entered the Rec Room later to find Poison Ivy alone.

"Sure. Go ahead," said Ivy, not looking up from her magazine.

"I meant kinda…privately," he said.

"There's no one here but us," she said, still not looking up.

"Yeah, but there could be," said Two-Face. "The clowns could pop up at any second."

"Unlikely – I'm out here because J is occupying both Harley's cell and her, and you know how long that can go on," retorted Ivy, flipping a page in her magazine.

"Well, ok, we'll talk here then, I guess," sighed Two-Face, sitting down next to her. "Look, Pam, I know you're upset…"

"Upset?" she repeated, looking up at last. "On the contrary, Harvey, I'm very happy for you. Truly."

"That's good to hear," he said. "I meant what I said earlier – I have you to thank for it. For making me a new man, a whole man…"

"I'm sure you're giving me too much credit," interrupted Ivy, looking back down at her magazine again.

"No, I'm not, Pam," he said. "I mean it, I'm cured because of you, and I'll always be grateful to you for that."

"Well, believe what you want," said Ivy.

"Are you sure you're not upset?" asked Two-Face, slowly. "You just sound kinda upset."

"I'm not upset," said Ivy. "A little sad, maybe, that it has to end like this, but I guess nothing lasts forever."

"Well, I kinda didn't want my mental illness to last forever…" began Two-Face.

"I'm talking about us, Harvey," she interrupted, looking up at him. "I mean, I know we've been on and off for a long time, but I honestly wasn't prepared for it to just end out of the blue. It's taken me a little by surprise."

"What are you talking about?" asked Two-Face. "I don't want us to end…"

"Oh, come on, Harvey," she said, putting down her magazine and looking at him. "You know we can't be together anymore. You're gonna be a new man, a sane man trying to make a success of your life in the real world, among normal people. You can't be with a freak like me."

"Pammie, you're not a freak," said Two-Face.

"Trust me, everyone out there thinks I am," said Ivy. "And that's what matters. That's the only thing that'll matter when you're back in society. You don't need a criminal lunatic like me weighing you down. You can't cure yourself and then have baggage like that without it dragging you right back into insanity yourself."

"No, Pammie, no," said Two-Face, taking her hand. "I can't do this without you. I can make my own decisions now, and I want to commit to you fully. I want us to be together for real, and I know you don't want that, but I can't give you up. My life has changed so suddenly, and the one thing I need to depend on in this world of constant change is you. You're the reason for all that's good in my life, and…I love you. I don't want to ever be without you again. Pam…I want you to marry me," he said, getting down on his knees and holding out a ring to her.

"Harvey…" she stammered, stunned. "Harvey…you know what my answer is gonna be…"

"I know, but…just think about it, please?" he asked. "After I get outta here, you take some time to yourself and think about it, and if the answer is no, I can accept it. But I just want you to consider it. The one thing both sides of me could always agree on was you being a good thing for me. And now that I'm cured, there's not a doubt in my mind that you're the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with."

"Harvey, you don't understand," she murmured, feeling tears come to her eyes. "I'd ruin everything for you again. I'm never going to change – you'd get mixed up in my crimes and you'd end up hating me…"

"I could never hate you, Pam," he said. "I mean, you tried to kill me, after all," he added with a grin. "And I still wanted to marry you. So what do you think you could possibly do to get me to hate you?"

Ivy shook her head. "No, Harvey, that life's not for me," she said. "Wife of Harvey Dent, some bored socialite you drag to all your fancy society functions with your pal Bruce Wayne. Having to make smalltalk with all the other dutiful airhead wives, and never having a life of my own. I'm never going to be that woman – I'd rather die."

"I would never want you to be that woman," he said. "I don't ever want you to change, Pam. I love you as you are, and I want to marry you as you are. Pamela Isley, Poison Ivy, supercriminal, ecoterrorist, warrior for mother nature, whatever you are, and all you are. I love you."

Tears welled up in Ivy's eyes. "Harvey…"

"Please don't answer now," he said, standing up and putting the ring back in his pocket. "Please just think about it. Take as long as you need."

He kissed her forehead. "Even before my accident, I could be an indecisive guy. But the one thing I was sure of from the moment I met you were my feelings for you. And they're the one thing I've never doubted for an instant."

He kissed her gently, and she nodded. "I'll think about it," she said, tears running down her face. "Goodnight, Harvey."

"Goodnight," he said, as she left the Rec Room and headed back to her cell.

"Holy moly, there is nothing like Mr. J in a frisky mood!" sighed Harley Quinn adoringly, as Ivy returned to her neighboring cell to see Harley's mercifully empty except for her. "He's like that Energizer bunny who just keeps going and going and going…"

She noticed Ivy's tears suddenly. "Hey, you ok, Red?" she asked, instantly concerned.

"I'm fine," said Ivy, wiping her eyes. "Harvey's just…proposed to me."

Harley gaped at her. And then she squealed, leaping to her feet and racing over to hug her tightly. "Aw, congratulations, baby!" she exclaimed, squeezing her. "Where's the ring? How much do you think he spent on it? Did you guys set a date yet? Any ideas on bridesmaids, not that I'm angling for the gig, but I've always wanted to be one, and I would make a swell maid of honor…"

"I didn't say yes," interrupted Ivy.

Harley stared at her as if she were insane, which technically she was. "Uh…why not?" she asked.

"Because I'm not sure I want to marry him," retorted Ivy. "I'm pretty sure I don't, in fact. I've never seen myself as a married woman, not since…" She trailed off.

"Aw, are you gonna let that idiot Jason Woodrue ruin your chances at happiness again?" demanded Harley. "Harvey's a great guy, and now that he's got over his whole coin thing, he's an even better one. Don't tell me you're gonna refuse to marry him because some guy hurt you real bad ages ago, or it wouldn't be feminist, or something?"

"You wouldn't understand," muttered Ivy. "Your entire life's ambition is to marry some clown and have his kids…"

"Marry _my _clown and have _my _kids, yeah!" snapped Harley. "Because I know that's what'll make me happy! I'm not some selfless, submissive idiot – I'm going after what I want outta life, just like all your feminist ideals tell you to! What do _you_ want outta life, Red? What's gonna make you happy? This whole environmental crusade, where you change the world into some paradise for your plants? Or maybe something a little smaller than that? See, I've found that it's not the big dreams that make you happy sometimes – sometimes it's just the small things, like time spent with people we love. That's what I want outta life – to love and be loved. And that's what I got. That's what you got, if you just stopped refusing to see it."

Ivy was silent. "I told him I'd think about it," she said at last. "And I will."

"Good," said Harley. "You do some thinking, Red. And if you need to talk, I'm here."

"Can you talk to me without lecturing me?" asked Ivy.

"Can you?" retorted Harley, grinning.

"Touche, I guess," muttered Ivy, as she lay down on her bed. "Needless to say, under no circumstances should this be mentioned to the clown," she added, sternly.

"Lips are sealed, Red," said Harley. She returned to her cell, where she added under her breath, "But Mr. J does have ways of prying them open…"


	5. Chapter 5

It was a typical cold, rainy, and miserable day in Gotham City when Two-Face was released from Arkham Asylum. Bruce Wayne was there to pick him up, and helped Alfred load what limited personal possessions he had into the trunk of his limousine while Two-Face said his farewells.

"Well…I guess this is goodbye for a while," he said, smiling at the assembled inmates lined up in front of the asylum. "I'll come visit occasionally…"

"Don't bother," interrupted Joker. "Nobody here wants to see you."

"I'm actually not talking about visiting you, Joker," retorted Two-Face. "Not everything is about you."

"Well, it damn well should be," spoke up Harley. "Mr. J is endlessly fascinating – why would anybody want to focus on anything else?"

"Yeah, I think you're the only one who thinks that, Harley," replied Two-Face.

"No, the Greenleaf girl thinks that," said Joker, sticking out his tongue. "And frankly, I'm pretty peeved that she's focusing on you this story when there's so many more to tell about me. After 200-odd tales, you'd think she'd realize that I'm the one people want to read about, not you also-rand losers."

"O...K...well, I'm obviously talking about visiting Pam," Two-Face continued, smiling at her.

"Oh, expecting conjugal visits from the plant freak, huh?" asked Joker. "Well, you're a free man who's no longer confined to your pick of the weirdos in here, so you probably don't have to scrape the bottom of the barrel with the weed anymore. You can definitely do a lot better, Harv."

"No, I can't," said Two-Face, firmly.

"Sure you can – ask your pal Brucie to set you up with some rich chicks," said Joker, nodding at Bruce. "They got money, looks, and probably haven't done it with plants."

"Shut up!" snapped Ivy, slapping him across the back of the head.

"Yeah, Bruce, you were right," sighed Two-Face. "I won't miss the fighting."

"Oh, I think you will though," chuckled Joker. "You can run all you like, Harvey, but you can't escape who you truly are. You think you've cured yourself, but you'll come crawling back here sooner or later. They all do."

"Jervis hasn't," pointed out Two-Face.

"Well, that little runt was never really one of us," said Joker, shrugging. "Anyway, I never thought he was actually insane, although he was obviously a little eccentric. But Harley would say trying to murder someone for love is perfectly normal and justifiable."

"I would," agreed Harley, nodding.

"Yeah, but _she's_ insane, so…" said Two-Face.

"Just trust me, I know what I'm talking about," said Joker. "That world out there ain't for you anymore. You belong with us, with the freaks and the weirdos, and you can never escape that fact. Normal people are so disappointing, and so frustratingly boring that the only thing you can really do with them is kill them. It's a mercy for them, so they don't have to suffer their tedious little lives anymore, and it's fun for us, so really it's win win."

"I'm sorry I don't feel the need to murder innocent people anymore, and I'm sorry you think I ever did," retorted Two-Face. "I did what I did because I was dependent on the coin, and it told me what to do…"

"You believe what you want," interrupted Joker. "You think that if it gives you any comfort. But the truth is, you've always used the coin as an excuse. You've always used Two-Face as an excuse, blaming your bad side for doing those things you've always secretly wanted to do. You loved being Two-Face, but you could never really accept yourself as a monster, so you saw yourself as a victim of his, as a good person driven to do horrible things by the will of fate or chance, not something that you can blame yourself for, or take any responsibility for. Because to admit to yourself that you enjoyed any of it would destroy your image of yourself as a good man. And that's what you think you still are, Harvey. You and your friend Bruce both think you're still that crusading lawyer for justice. But I think you know differently, deep down inside. I think we both do."

"And I think you just like to think the worst of people," retorted Two-Face. "Not everyone is like you, Joker."

"Nope, nobody's like me," agreed Joker, shaking his head. "I'm completely unpredictable. But you're almost tiresomely predictable, Harvey. It doesn't take years of dating a shrink to be able to read people like you. And I will bet you your coin that you'll be back."

Two-Face nodded. "I'll take that bet," he said, handing him his coin. "I've been wondering what I should do with this, and letting you keep it for me seems like a great idea. That way I won't be tempted to use it, since it'll be locked up far away from me, and you'll be tormented by the reminder that I'll never be back for it, and you lost the bet."

Joker smiled, pocketing the coin. "We'll see, won't we, Harvey?" he murmured.

"Yes, we will," said Two-Face. "Goodbye, Joker. Dr. Leland, thank you for everything you've done for me," he said, shaking her hand. "I never could have healed without your insight, compassion, and understanding."

"Thank you, Harvey," she said, smiling at him. "But I don't take credit for this one - you healed yourself."

"No, I didn't," he said, glancing at Ivy again. "I never could have done that."

He came over to her, and kissed her cheek softly. "Goodbye, Pam," he said. "Thank you again. And please…think about what I said," he said, kissing her hand.

Ivy nodded. "Goodbye, Harvey," she said, calmly.

"Shall we, Mr. Dent?" asked Alfred, holding open the door to the limousine.

Two-Face nodded, climbing into the car and shutting the door. "Are you ok?" asked Bruce, as they drove off with Two-Face staring back at the asylum.

"Better than ok," he replied, turning to smile at him. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Bruce shrugged. "Joker can sometimes…get to people."

"I wasn't aware you had a lot of experience with him," replied Two-Face.

"I don't – just what I read in the papers," said Bruce. "That girlfriend of his was a doctor he duped into becoming his sidekick, wasn't she? So he's clearly a pretty manipulative guy."

"That's what the papers say, but you haven't heard Harley's version," replied Two-Face. "She's pretty smart, despite what people think, and she says it was her choice."

"Well, maybe that makes it worse, that he can manipulate a smart person into thinking she had a choice," said Bruce.

"Bruce, I appreciate the concern, but don't worry about me," replied Two-Face. "I'm used to dealing with Joker, and trust me, he's just blowing smoke. I think he's just jealous that I'm free and he isn't, and he's trying to make me doubt myself again. But he doesn't have that power over me. Nobody does."

"I'm glad to hear that," said Bruce, smiling. Harvey was probably right, Bruce thought – Joker was just jealous and trying to bring him down. Neither of them should take anything a clown like that said seriously.


	6. Chapter 6

"Well…welcome home, Harvey," said Bruce, as Alfred opened the front door to Wayne Manor. "You're welcome to stay here as long as you like…"

"Thanks, Bruce, but I really shouldn't intrude on your hospitality more than necessary," said Two-Face. "I'll find a place of my own as soon as possible."

"It wouldn't be an intrusion," said Bruce. "It gets kinda lonely with just me and Alfred – it might be nice to have another heartbeat around the house."

"Surely you have enough girlfriends not to be lonely?" asked Two-Face, smiling at him. "The Bruce Wayne I knew always did."

"Yeah, I do," agreed Bruce, nodding. "But it's different with…someone real to talk to."

Two-Face smiled. "Thanks, Bruce. We'll see how it goes, I guess."

"Yes, we will," agreed Bruce, inwardly conflicted. On the one hand, he was looking forward to Harvey staying with him, and bonding with his old friend again. But on the other, he was anxious to be extra careful about his secret activities with Harvey around. Unless he did decide to tell him about Batman…

He shook his head – that was a decision for another time. "You remember your way around, or do you want the tour?" he asked, smiling at him.

"I think I remember," said Two-Face, looking around. "This place hasn't changed a bit."

"No, it hasn't," agreed Bruce. "It hasn't ever changed since my parents…" He trailed off. "I'll show you your room at least, how about that?" he asked, picking up his suitcase and heading upstairs.

"Sounds good to me," said Two-Face, following him. "Is it the same one I stayed in before you went to Tibet? I remember it had a great view."

"It is, and it does," agreed Bruce, opening the door to the room and gesturing inside. "Got your own private balcony to enjoy it and everything. You can see the pool and the tennis court, and over there's the city with Wayne Tower, and over there is…"

He trailed off. "I mean, there's lots of spare rooms, so you can have a different one if you want…" he began.

"No, I don't mind seeing Arkham," said Two-Face, nodding at the huge Victorian mansion high on the hill that Bruce had been pointing to. "There's someone in there who…still means a lot to me, and it'll make me feel closer to her anyway."

Bruce put down the suitcase. "Is this Poison Ivy?" he asked.

"Yeah," said Two-Face. "I…uh…proposed to her before I left."

Bruce stared at him. "You proposed to the woman who tried to murder you?" he asked.

"That was a long time ago," said Two-Face. "Things have changed between us and…you wouldn't understand," he finished. "But I love her, Bruce. I always have, and it's not something that's going to go away. For a long time, I thought I was just under the influence of her lipstick or her pheromones or something, but it's more than that. She's…the reason I'm a sane man today. I owe her everything, and…she's just a really great person, Bruce. I mean, you don't know her – you probably just know the tabloid gossip about her, but the real her, she's…she's warm and compassionate and loving. She puts up these walls because she was hurt very deeply once, and she doesn't like making herself vulnerable to people. But she's the most remarkable woman I've ever met, in so many ways, and I want her to be my wife."

"And…what did she say?" asked Bruce, slowly.

"She hasn't given me an answer," he replied. "She's not the type who ever wants to be married, I know that, but…she said she'll think about it. I really hope she does."

Bruce nodded slowly. "Uh…Harvey…you're right, I don't know her, and…please don't take this the wrong way, but…don't you think proposing marriage to a criminal lunatic isn't the best decision when you're trying to start a new, sane, normal life?"

"I think she could help me with that," replied Two-Face. "I hope we could help each other find some measure of happiness in our new life together. All I know is that my life would be empty without her, and sane or insane, I want her in it."

Bruce cleared his throat. "Harvey…I'm saying this as your friend…and I don't mean to sound harsh, but…I just think she's all wrong for you. Especially at this time in your life, when you're trying to start a new chapter as a new man, to cling to the remains of your past like that just seems…crazy."

"You think I should move on?" asked Two-Face. "Like you have, right, Bruce? You don't cling on to the remains of your past at all, which is why this house hasn't been changed in the slightest since your parents died, right?"

Bruce said nothing. "I don't mean to be harsh either," said Two-Face, gently. "I'm just saying you seem to derive some comfort from the memories of happy times in your old life – why else would you have asked me to stay here? If you can surround yourself with reminders of your parents, and with me…why can't I retain the one thing about my old life that really made me happy?"

"I guess…that's fair," said Bruce, slowly. "On an unrelated subject, how would you feel about me throwing a welcome party here for you?"

"That sounds like it would be fun," said Two-Face. "It'll be nice to be around some normal people again."

"Great! I'll invite all our old friends, and anybody who's anybody in the Gotham social scene," said Bruce. "Tell you what, you take some time to unpack and settle in, and then Alfred can drive us into town to get some new suits tailor-made for the party, how about that?"

"Sounds great," said Two-Face, smiling. "It'll be odd to wear a suit with just one color, but I guess it's time for a change in fashion."

"Well, you could always start a trend," said Bruce, smiling back. "Once everyone at the party sees you in a two-tone suit, everyone's going to want one."

Two-Face laughed. "Thanks, Bruce," he said. "You always know how to cheer me up."

"That's what I do best," said Bruce, heading for the door and smiling. His smile dropped instantly as he shut the door, heading back downstairs to Alfred.

"How is he, sir?" asked Alfred.

"Not good," muttered Bruce. "He proposed to Poison Ivy before he left."

"Goodness," said Alfred, raising an eyebrow. "We're certain he's cured, yes?"

"I don't know," said Bruce. "He seems to think he is, and he acts like he is, but…I can't tell him the truth about myself if he's going to continue to associate with my enemies like that. If he's going to be married to one, it'll be even worse. I'll have to end our friendship – he'll have to choose between Ivy and me. And I hate to put him in that position, but I can't do anything else under those circumstances."

"No indeed, sir," agreed Alfred.

Bruce sighed heavily. "Well, there's no reason to give up hope just yet," he said. "I told Harvey we'll have a welcome party for him, and I intend to invite all the eligible women I know, which is quite a few. I'm hoping he'll be able to find someone there who will distract him away from his Ivy fixation. After all, a sane man shouldn't cling to obsessions like that, Alfred."

"No indeed, sir," repeated Alfred, more sardonically than necessary, as he followed Bruce down to the Batcave.

Meanwhile, Two-Face had finished unpacking and headed out onto the balcony to get some fresh air. He looked over at Arkham, barely visible in the rain, and felt a pang of nostalgia as he wondered what the inmates were doing now.


	7. Chapter 7

"C'mon, Croc, I'll bet you fifty bucks you can't do it," Joker was saying.

"Fifty bucks, huh?" asked Croc, carefully considering.

"Fifty bucks he can't do what?" asked Ivy, as she passed them in the cell block.

"Fifty bucks he can't break the bars on that window by running head-first into them," said Joker, pointing.

"No, of course he can't do that," snapped Ivy.

"Hey, don't doubt me until I've tried," said Croc, shrugging. "My skull is pretty thick."

"It certainly is," agreed Joker, grinning. "C'mon, Crocky, I've got a fistful of Lincolns here that says you can't do it. Prove me wrong."

"I will," said Croc, backing up to get a running start. He pelted headlong into the bars, colliding with them and being knocked violently back in return.

"See, he can't do it," said Ivy. "Told you."

"That was just my first try," said Croc, getting slowly to his feet. "Nobody took bets on how many tries it would take me. You'll see, Joker, I'll have that window open in a jiffy."

"I bet you will, Crocky old boy," said Joker, patting him on the shoulder and leaving him to repeatedly run into the bars while he headed back to his cell, whistling and stripping the sheets off his bed.

"Got my sheets, puddin'!" Harley Quinn exclaimed, appearing at his cell with a bunch of sheets in her arms.

"Great job, dollface – help me tie 'em together," said Joker.

"What are you doing?" demanded Ivy.

"What's it look like?" asked Joker. "Once numbskull over there busts open those bars, which he will eventually, I'm gonna have a rope made from tied bedsheets to lower me down to freedom."

"To lower _us _down to freedom," corrected Harley, as she began tying the sheets together. "Hey, can we take Red with us, Mr. J?" she asked.

"That's a no," said Joker, helping her tie.

"Please?" pleaded Harley. "If Harvey's out, she should be out – you wouldn't want him to get lonely, would you?"

"He won't be lonely – he'll have his pick of lingerie models and lady athletes partying with Bruce Wayne," replied Joker. "No guy could get lonely with that kinda attention."

"Aw, you know it ain't the same, Mr. J," said Harley. "Even if you had company like that, you'd still miss your Harley girl, wouldn't you?"

"I wouldn't know – I've never been that lucky," retorted Joker.

"People who aren't superficial have their special someones," continued Harley. "And Harvey's a substantial guy. I think he could be surrounded by attractive woman and still feel lonely if he doesn't personally connect with any of 'em."

"I don't think he'll have a problem personally connecting with any of 'em, if you catch my drift," replied Joker. "Although he does still have that facial deformity, but women will put up with a lotta crap if a guy has money, or is best friends with someone who does."

"You know what I mean," replied Harley. "Some men want more than just meaningless sex with attractive women. Like you."

"Believe me, Harley, I would have been perfectly happy with our relationship being nothing but meaningless sex," retorted Joker. "Can't change it back now, though," he sighed wistfully.

"Aw, Mr. J, you're such a kidder," sighed Harley, kissing him. "Anyway, I'm just saying that it might be nice for Harvey to see some of his friends from his old life on the outside. And Red's always meant so much to him…"

"Yeah, he knew there was a woman who was always hard up enough to want him," agreed Joker, nodding. "He's a warm body, and better than a plant, after all."

"Shut up, creep," muttered Ivy. "And I don't need your charity – I'll find my own way out of here if I want to escape, just like I always do."

"C'mon, Red, it'll be fun," said Harley. "You can stay with us and we can have sleepovers and watch chick flicks and eat ice cream…"

"I will allow her to come along if you two are going to have pillow fights in your underwear," said Joker, nodding. "Or tickle fights, or any sort of scantily-clad fight…"

"I repeat, shut up, creep," retorted Ivy. "Just get out of here, both of you – I need some time to be alone to think anyway, and I can't with you two constantly making noise of one kind or another."

"Think about what?" asked Joker. "If you're starting to regret your life choices, I think it's a little late for you to start over now, and you should probably just end it all instead…"

"It's none of your business," interrupted Ivy. "Just go. I'm not in the mood to deal with your crap right now."

"Aw, you're missing Harvey already, huh?" sighed Joker. "That's sweet, but also really pathetic, especially considering that you've always claimed you're the kind of woman who doesn't need a man, or indeed, anyone at all. You're not the type to mope over some guy, or at least, that's what you want people to believe. So I can see why you might be having an identity crisis…"

"I'm not having an identity crisis!" snapped Ivy. "I just have a lot on my mind!"

"Must make a change from your usual, empty-headed self!" chuckled Joker. "And speaking of empty heads, way to go, Croc!" he exclaimed, as Croc's skull suddenly broke the bars off the window.

"Told you…I could do it!" gasped Croc, who was clutching his head, but had a smile on his face.

"I'm impressed – a deal's a deal, so here's fifty bucks," said Joker, handing him a fistful of what was clearly fake money. "Now see ya later – Harley and I are blowing this popsicle stand," he said, tying the makeshift rope to the cell door and then tossing the rest of it out the window. "I'd invite you to come along, Crocky, but I think you need to go lie down."

"Yeah…I do," stammered Croc, who suddenly collapsed.

"He'd better put some ice on that," said Joker, as he began to climb down the rope. "Whelp, so long, losers!"

"Last chance, Red," said Harley, who followed him. "C'mon, doncha wanna see your fiance again? We could pick out the engagement ring we want him to buy you!"

"See your what now?" asked Joker, whose head suddenly popped back up.

"Harley, that was meant to be confidential, and anyway, it's not true," growled Ivy. "I haven't accepted his proposal."

"Harvey proposed to you?" demanded Joker. "Oh my God, I knew he was still insane – how else could he think you're really the best he can do forever? I was suspicious of this cured diagnosis all along, and this just confirms my suspicions were correct!"

"You should get outta here and give him an answer – it's kinda rude to keep him waiting," said Harley. "And I really, really wanna be a bridesmaid, so if you're not accepting him for you, do it for me."

"No, Harley, I need to make this decision for myself, and this is why I need time alone here to think!" snapped Ivy.

"You don't need to think!" snapped Harley. "Because you're gonna overthink it as usual and talk yourself out of something that would really be good for you, and I'm not just saying that to be a bridesmaid! When a guy proposes to you, you don't think! You just feel! Do you love him or not? Do you wanna spend the rest of your life with him or not? That doesn't require thinking – you just know the answer in your heart! Mr. J's never proposed to me, but I know damn well what my answer is gonna be when he does!"

"_When_ he does?" repeated Joker. "Harley, I think we need to have a talk…"

"No, don't propose to me here!" snapped Harley. "You'll steal Red's thunder!"

"I wasn't…" began Joker.

"I'm gonna be a bridesmaid first, then a bride," continued Harley. "So you can propose after Red's wedding."

"Oooh, I hope it is like the Red Wedding!" chuckled Joker. "That was a great episode…"

"There is no wedding!" shouted Ivy. "And I don't know if there's ever gonna be a wedding, and I won't know until you two idiots get outta here and leave me in peace to think about it! So goodbye!" she said, reaching for the end of the rope on the cell door.

"Red, wait, Red, don't, Red!" shouted Harley, but Ivy had already untied it and let go, sending both Joker and Harley plummeting toward the ground. Ivy heard shrieking from outside, and then a thud.

"Don't worry, Red, I'm ok – I landed on Mr. J!" called Harley, cheerfully.

"I'm not ok – you need to lose some weight, you dumb blonde!" gasped Joker, hissing in pain.

Ivy smiled, and then made her way back to her cell, shutting the door with a clang. "Finally some peace and quiet around here," she murmured, lying down and shutting her eyes.

She pictured herself getting married. "Mrs. Harvey Dent," she murmured, sounding it out and wrinkling her nose. "No, thank you. I should tell him the truth – it's not him, it's me. And that is the truth, for once. I'm just against the whole institution of marriage, since it was historically used to oppress women. The idea of monogamy just doesn't appeal to me at all..."

She opened her eyes. "Unless he'd be willing to consider an open marriage, of course. If he could embrace something non-traditional like that, I'd be open to committing to him as one of my regular partners. I mean, that doesn't sound very romantic, I guess, but the whole concept of romance is a little dated…"

She sat up and shut her eyes again. "I don't understand why this is so hard," she muttered to herself. "Every fiber of my being recoils at the thought of marriage, of being bound to some guy forever. So why can't I just tell him no? It should be a straightforward refusal but...something's holding me back. There's some hesitation on my part…I guess I really do love him, and I don't want to disappoint him. I mean, it is very flattering that he's asked me. But do I love him enough to throw away my beliefs for him? I know he told me he doesn't want me to do that, but I would have to do that in order to be his wife."

She rubbed her temples. "God, it's so hard having principles sometimes. Sometimes I just wish I could be like the Joker, and not believe in anything or anyone, or care about anything or anyone. He'd have no problem rejecting a marriage proposal. But unfortunately, I still have feelings for a few human beings, and Harvey's one of them. I want him to be happy, but I think he can be that without me. And I don't think I could be happy as his wife. I think no matter how happy we are together at first, I'd hate myself for marrying him eventually. For betraying what I believe in, for sacrificing myself for some man…"

She shook her head slowly. "That's not what Poison Ivy does," she murmured. "I know who I am, and who I am is not someone who would ever marry anyone. And maybe Joker's right – maybe Harvey does deserve better. He deserves a woman who wants him to be her whole world, but that's not me. I would ruin his life eventually – I'd drag him back down into a life of crime and insanity, and he deserves better than that. I do love him, so I have to let him go, for his own sake as well as mine. Poison Ivy…poisons whatever she touches. And that would include our marriage."

She nodded firmly. "I have to tell him," she said. "I have to tell him soon, and I can't do that locked up in here."

She went to the window, looking down at the ground below, and raised her hand. A plant root burst through the dirt, climbing up toward the window and settling itself just under it. It waited for her to climb on before it lowered her carefully to the ground.

"Hi, Red!" exclaimed Harley, who had clearly been waiting for her to follow, waving at her next to an annoyed-looking Joker. "So, ring shopping?"

Ivy sighed heavily. "Let's just go find Harvey," she muttered. "Any ideas for how to break into Wayne Manor?"

"Oh, tons!" exclaimed Joker, brightening instantly. "This'll be a blast!"


	8. Chapter 8

"Why, Harvey Dent, it's been absolutely ages!" exclaimed Veronica Vreeland, as she sauntered into Wayne Manor the night of the welcome party. The whole house was ablaze with light, and hordes of people milled about, laughing and talking, as Alfred kept the champagne flowing. Bruce and Two-Face were standing by the door, greeting each guest as they entered.

"You're looking positively…stunning!" stammered Veronica, as Two-Face turned the bad side of his face to her. "How are you feeling, darling?" she asked, as she planted a kiss on the good side of his face, noticeably shying away from the same action on his bad side. "Bruce tells me you're a new man."

"Well, not quite, as you've noticed," said Two-Face, gesturing to his face with a smile. "But I certainly feel like one, thank you."

"That Arkham Asylum can apparently work wonders occasionally," said Veronica's friend Pierce Chapman, who was accompanying her. "That must be such a comfort to you, Bruce, to know you're not wasting your money with your constant donations to it. Not that you don't have money to burn, of course," he added.

"Good to see you, Pierce, Ronnie," said Bruce, returning their kisses on both his cheeks. "I'm so glad you could make it."

"Make it? Darling, we wouldn't miss it for the world!" exclaimed Veronica. "Good old Harvey is back where he belongs! You know, even when you were that dreadful criminal Half-Face, and even when you robbed us during Pierce's masquerade party last year, I just knew the real Harvey was still in there somewhere."

"Yes, I'm…sorry about that," said Two-Face, slowly. "As I am for everything I did when I wasn't…quite myself."

"Nonsense, darling, nothing to apologize for!" exclaimed Veronica, slapping his arm playfully. "It was the event of the season! I don't mind telling you I was rather jealous of Pierce – I sulked for weeks, wondering why I wasn't important enough to be robbed."

"It did only make my parties the most anticipated gatherings in Gotham from then on," agreed Pierce, nodding. "Everyone kept hoping for another criminal to show up to enliven the proceedings. I don't suppose there's any chance any of your former criminal comrades will be showing up to rob us tonight?" he asked, casually.

"I certainly hope not," said Bruce.

"You should hope so, Bruce – they'll make you the most popular man in Gotham City," said Pierce. "Not that that's much of a competition. It's basically between you and Batman."

"What with all the interviews, talk shows, and press hounding you for weeks after the event, being robbed by the supercriminals brings publicity that's simply to die for," agreed Veronica, nodding.

"Hopefully not literally," muttered Bruce, taking a glass of champagne from Alfred.

"That is a gorgeous suit, Harvey," commented Pierce. "Is it new? It must be, since it's all one color."

"Yeah, Bruce had them made for us," said Two-Face, nodding. "I gotta say, I'm a little disappointed quality-wise. When I was Two-Face, we had this tailor who was just incredible, but sadly I think he only dresses supervillains."

"Well, being a supervillain has some fashion perks at any rate!" laughed Pierce. "Is this Francois DuBois?"

"Yeah. You know him?" asked Two-Face.

"I do," said Pierce, smiling. "He is a genius with clothes. And with other things too, if you catch my drift," he said, winking.

"Harvey, you must see if you can get Pierce to tell you who he's dating," said Veronica. "He won't let me meet her, or tell me anything about her, so much so that I'm beginning to think she's an imaginary woman."

"I don't think she's imaginary," replied Two-Face. "Or a woman," he added under his breath, taking his glass of champagne from Alfred. "You know, Pierce, you really shouldn't be afraid of telling everyone," he added.

"Telling everyone what?" asked Pierce.

"About the company you keep," said Two-Face. "And the fact that you're dating Fran…"

"Francesca, yes, that is her name – could I have a word in private, please, Harvey?" interrupted Pierce, grabbing his arm and dragging him into a corner. "What on earth do you think you're doing, spreading that around?" he demanded.

"I'm…sorry, I thought everyone kinda knew you were gay," said Two-Face, confused. "Everyone knew back when I used to hang out with you all."

"Mostly everyone does," retorted Pierce. "It's not that, although while my sexuality is probably the worst kept secret in the world, Veronica hasn't seemed to have picked up on the fact that I prefer the company of men, and I enjoy keeping her ignorant of it."

"You don't think she'd love a gay best friend?" asked Two-Face.

"That's beside the point – it flatters Veronica to think that I'm just hopelessly pining for her, so let me have my little game with her," retorted Pierce. "But I don't think everyone here needs to know that I'm dating a tailor who dresses supercriminals!"

"Why not?" asked Two-Face, puzzled.

"Harvey, it simply isn't done," said Pierce, rolling his eyes. "It's bad enough that he's a tailor, someone who has to work for a living, but add that to the fact that he associates with those types of people…"

"Those types of people who you were just hoping would show up here and rob you?" asked Two-Face.

"Harvey, there's a difference between being robbed by them, and voluntarily choosing to fraternize with them," said Pierce. "I don't have to tell you, do I? Nobody would choose to hang out with those thugs, lunatics, and ruffians – it shows dreadfully poor taste. I'd be shunned by my entire social circle for even being seen in the company of a man who works with those types of people, let alone dating him. So please just keep my little secret, and tell Veronica I told you all about Francesca, there's a good fellow," he said, clapping him on the shoulder.

"Pierce…I don't think you should treat Francois like that," said Two-Face. "He's a sweet, thoughtful, talented man – you shouldn't be ashamed of being with him. And you shouldn't be ashamed of everyone knowing that you're with him. You should want to show him off to people, and be proud of your relationship with him. Otherwise you can't claim to care about him very much."

"My dear Harvey, I do care about him," sighed Pierce. "I just care about myself a little more. As do we all. Don't be so naïve - you know how the world works, and if you don't, you'd think hanging around with rogues and murderers all those years would have taught you. It's every man for himself, right? No honor among thieves, and in my case, no honor in dating a man who dresses them. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go spread a rumor that the wine served at Muffy Van Alten's last dinner party was domestic."

"Harvey, you remember Selina Kyle?" asked Bruce, coming over to join him with Selina on his arm as Pierce headed off. "You two dated briefly, if I recall."

"Yes, and now I'm dating you, in case you'd forgotten," said Selina, glancing at Bruce in confusion.

"Well, you know how flighty and immature I can be," said Bruce, shrugging. "Maybe you'd prefer a nice, committed, reformed guy like Harvey."

"What the hell are you doing?" demanded Selina. "Are you trying to talk me into dumping you in the hopes that I'll go out with your friend instead?"

"No," said Bruce, a little too hastily.

"Oh my God, you are! I can't believe you sometimes!" exclaimed Selina. "Honestly, I'm starting to think maybe I _can_ do better! Alfred, stay right there with the champagne!" she said, storming over to him.

"I was hoping Grace Lamont would be here," continued Bruce, looking out across the crowd. "She did say she might be, and asked if she could bring her boyfriend as a plus one, but I don't know how serious she is about him…"

"Bruce, what are you doing?" asked Two-Face.

"Nothing," said Bruce, again a little too hastily.

Two-Face studied him. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to set me up with one of my old girlfriends," he murmured. "This wouldn't be because you disapprove of my proposing to Ivy, would it?"

"I don't disapprove," said Bruce. "I just…think you can do better, and have done better in the past. Maybe you can in the future too."

The realization hit Two-Face at that moment. "You're hoping I'll change my mind and fall for someone at this party, aren't you?" he asked, quietly. "That's the real reason you threw it for me."

"No, Harvey, I wanted to welcome you back where you belong," said Bruce.

"Well, that's definitely not here," muttered Two-Face, putting down his glass. "Excuse me."

"Harvey, wait," said Bruce, following him out of the ballroom and into the study. "Wait, I'm sorry, I was just…trying to help."

"It's not you," muttered Two-Face. "Well, it's not entirely you, but I do think this was a little underhanded, Bruce. You expected backstabbing in the company I used to keep, so you could often see it coming, but I didn't expect it here. Give me Joker over those fakes and frauds out there any day – at least he doesn't make a secret of his hatred for you."

"Nobody here hates you, Harvey…" began Bruce.

"No, hate would be too strong an emotion for all those empty phonies," retorted Two-Face. "I doubt they're capable of any emotion except for mild annoyance – to hate someone you need some passion, which I doubt those people have ever felt for anyone. Did I used to be like that?" he asked.

"No, Harvey, you were always a good person, with strong convictions," said Bruce.

"And so are you, Bruce," replied Two-Face. "So how do you put up with those people?"

Bruce shrugged. "You wear a mask," he said.

"Don't you ever get tired of wearing masks?" asked Two-Face. "Don't you ever want to rip it off and just be honest, for once?"

Bruce looked at him. "No," he said, softly. "I guess it's just been my life for so long that I've just…gotten used to wearing it."

"Maybe I had too," murmured Two-Face. "But I'm not anymore, and I'm not sure I can ever get used to it again. There was freedom in being who I was, even though I was locked up. Being around these people…it's worse than being back in Arkham. You're not free, even though you think you are. But you're a prisoner of your own delusion, putting on these ridiculous acts of friendliness while secretly trying to undermine each other. It's just…two-faced, that's the only word for it. I never thought I'd stop being Two-Face of my own volition just to be shoved back into a world that forces me to be that again."

Bruce was silent. "I guess…that's life, though, isn't it?" he asked, quietly.

"It doesn't have to be," said Two-Face. "And it didn't used to be. All that time I was Two-Face…it wasn't like that. Why is the real world more miserable than being stuck in an insane asylum?"

"Because reality is pretty miserable, I guess," murmured Bruce. "But Harvey, I just want you to be happy…"

"No, you want me to be happy in the world you think I belong in," retorted Two-Face. "You want me to fit in with those normal people, because you think that'll make me happy. But it won't. Not with them. I'm going to my room," he said, heading out of the study and storming upstairs.

He opened the door to his room, and then shut it behind him, sighing heavily. "Why so glum, Mr. DA?" purred a familiar voice.

Two-Face whirled around, beaming. "Pammie!" he exclaimed. "How did you get in here?"

"There's a party going on downstairs – it's pretty easy to sneak in," Ivy said, shrugging. "Nobody looks too closely at faces."

"I never expected you to be so discreet," said Two-Face, surprised. "I kinda wish you'd made a violent entrance with your plants."

"Well, I thought about it, but then I overheard those snobs saying how great it would be if they were attacked at the party tonight, and decided not to give them that satisfaction," said Ivy. "Even Joker agreed with me, and you know how much he loves to cause a scene."

"Joker's here?" asked Two-Face, looking around in apprehension.

"Not here here – he and Harley got bored when they realized they couldn't crash the party without giving everyone exactly what they wanted, and beat it," said Ivy. "I decided to stick around and see if I could find your room, and then waited for you to get back here, which I knew wouldn't take you long. I could see you squirming out there from a mile away."

"Yeah, it's hard being back among people like that," said Two-Face. "Maybe I've just forgotten what my life used to be like around them, or maybe…I've just changed too much to ever fit back in with that crowd."

"I hope so," agreed Ivy. "The best thing that can be said about them is that when they die, they'll be food for my plants. But they're a complete waste of the oxygen my babies produce otherwise."

"Pam, it's so good to see you," he murmured, embracing her. "Does this mean…you've made your decision about my proposal?"

"I have," she said, nodding. "And I think you know what it is."

"I was hoping I didn't," he said.

Ivy smiled. "Harvey, please believe I do love you. But I'm not going to go through with some ridiculous wedding ceremony to you in order to prove that. I'm not going to buy into humanity's prescriptive view of monogamy and romance like that. It's not you – it's the whole idea of marriage that just rankles me. I wouldn't marry anyone, but…I do want to be with you," she said, taking his hand. "I won't be your wife, or anyone's wife, but…that doesn't mean I don't care deeply about you, or that I don't want you in my life until the day I die. Because I do. If that's why you want to get married, to recognize some formal commitment of my feelings, please just take my word for it instead. I love you, and I always will."

Two-Face smiled back. "I never thought I'd be happy at having my proposal rejected," he murmured. "But I know when you say something, you mean it, Pam. I know you'll keep your word, because that's the kind of person you are – straightforward and honest. And so your word is good enough for me."

"I was hoping it might be," she murmured, kissing him. "So, Mr. Dent, do you wanna celebrate our not-wedding night?" she asked, grinning.

"I do, Miss Ivy," he replied, pressing her down on the bed. "I do."


	9. Chapter 9

"Good morning, sir," said Alfred, as Bruce Wayne came down to breakfast the next morning, looking tired and unshaven. "I'm judging from your appearance that Miss Kyle didn't stay the night?"

"She was still mad at me for trying to set her up with Harvey," muttered Bruce, reaching for some coffee. "She left well before the party finished. But when you're hosting these things, you can't just go to bed," he said, stifling a yawn. "Which explains why I'm so chipper this morning," he added.

"Noted, sir," said Alfred, dryly. "Did Mr. Dent come back to the party eventually?"

"No, he stayed up in his room the rest of the night," sighed Bruce, sipping his coffee. "I really screwed up this time, Alfred. It'll be a miracle if he talks to me ever again."

"Good morning, Bruce!" said Two-Face cheerfully, as he entered the dining room. Bruce stared at him in shock, and then spat out his coffee in shock when Poison Ivy entered right behind him, dressed in a spare bathrobe.

"Good morning, Mr. Wayne," she said calmly, taking a seat next to Two-Face and helping herself to some bacon.

"Good…good morning," stammered Bruce, stunned. "Um…Harvey…would you mind telling me why there's a notorious supercriminal eating breakfast at my table?" he asked.

"Pam snuck into the party and spent the night – I thought you wouldn't mind," said Two-Face, helping himself to some eggs. "You never minded me having women stay over before."

"No, but...none of them were supercriminals, to my knowledge," said Bruce, slowly. "You know if anyone finds out she's here, we'll be arrested along with her?"

"Yeah, I'm sure GCPD is just looking to arrest Bruce Wayne," said Two-Face, rolling his eyes. "Your lawyers would drown them in a sea of paperwork – they don't want that headache. And anyway, how would they find out? I doubt you have any cops staying in your house at the moment."

"Boy, I hope not," said a voice from the doorway, and Bruce started from his seat in shock as the Joker and Harley Quinn entered the room, looking like they had just woken up, and dressed in silk pajamas. "That would be super awkward," Joker continued, taking a seat at the table.

"What the hell are you two doing here?" demanded Ivy. "I thought you left last night!"

"Yeah, after we decided not to crash the party, we were gonna head out," said Joker, nodding. "But then Harley needed the bathroom, and I wanted to see if Bruce had a gold toilet – I've heard about billionaires having those. So we explored a little, and we found ourselves in this huge, carefully preserved bedroom which we could only assume belonged to Brucie's parents, and the thought that murdered people used to sleep here really turned us on, and so one thing led to another, and then we were so tired out afterwards that we just decided to sleep there, and then we woke up this morning and found these snazzy pajamas in the closet, so we decided to wear them down to breakfast. Is that bacon?" he asked, reaching for some.

"You did…WHAT in my parents' bed?!" roared Bruce, furious.

"I'm just going to go clean the sheets," said Alfred, hurrying off. "Or burn them…"

"You take off their pajamas right now!" shouted Bruce. "You have no right to wear them – you have no right to be in my house! Take them off and get the hell out immediately!"

"Well, that's really no way to speak to guests in your home, is it?" sniffed Joker. "I'm guessing someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, but that's no reason to be rude. Whatever happened to good, old-fashioned hospitality? You can certainly afford to roll out the welcome wagon, Brucie."

"I'm not rolling out the welcome wagon for uninvited guests who defiled my parents' room and clothing!" roared Bruce.

"And probably their memory by extension, am I right?" chuckled Joker. "I don't mind telling you, Harley and I did a little roleplay as the late lamented Waynes – I blasted her with my gun a few times, if you catch my drift…"

"I said get out!" shouted Bruce, grabbing him by the collar. "Get changed and get out now!"

"Ok, take it easy!" snapped Joker. "You don't wanna wreck your Daddy's pajamas! Not like I wrecked Martha over there…"

"Out!" shouted Bruce, shoving him out of the dining room. "You too, Harley, out!" he roared, grabbing her arm.

"Don't touch me!" snapped Harley, slapping his hand away. "Nobody but Mr. J gets to manhandle me, you got that?"

"Yeah, and honestly, what are you gonna do if we don't leave?" demanded Joker, popping his head back into the dining room. "Or if we wanna keep these pajamas, which are exceptionally comfortable. If I were your folks, I woulda been buried in these, rather than the blood-soaked rags they were gunned down in."

Bruce gritted his teeth, his fists tensing up and getting ready to punch them. But it was too dangerous, the sensible side of his brain reminded him – if he went into Batman mode, it was possible that one of his enemies would recognize that, and pick up on his secret identity. It was better to remain useless Bruce Wayne for now, and not give Joker the beating of his life which he was clearly asking for.

"You go now, or I'll call the police," hissed Bruce. "And they'll arrest you and take you back to Arkham, where you belong. I will not have criminals poking around in my home! I will not have criminals in my home at all!"

"Well, I guess that includes your pal Harvey and his plant paramour," sighed Joker. "Come on, guys, we know when we're not wanted."

"Harvey is my invited guest!" snapped Bruce. "And he's not a criminal anymore!"

"But his plant paramour is," said Joker. "You call the cops, and she'll be arrested too."

"No, I'll leave if I'm not welcome," said Ivy, standing up.

"Sit down, Pam, you're welcome to stay," said Two-Face.

"No, she isn't!" snapped Bruce. "I'm sorry, Harvey, but…I can't have people like that in my home!"

"People like that?" repeated Two-Face. His eyes narrowed. "People like I used to be, you mean?"

"Yes, but you've changed, Harvey…" began Bruce.

"I haven't changed," interrupted Two-Face. "If there's no room for Pam in your house, there's no room for me. She's someone I love and respect, and if you can't respect me enough to extend some basic hospitality to the woman I love, then I don't want anything more to do with you."

Bruce looked at him. "You have to choose, Harvey," he said. "You have to choose between your lifelong friendship with me, or your romantic relationship with this criminal who tried to kill you a few years back. It seems like the choice would be obvious, doesn't it?"

"Yes," replied Two-Face. "But nobody who truly cared about me would ever force me to make that choice. Are you really going to do that, Bruce?"

Bruce nodded slowly. "I'm sorry…but it's her or me."

Two-Face also nodded slowly. "I'm sorry too," he said, standing up. "Come on, Pam. Let's get dressed and go."

"We should all get brunch together somewhere," Joker was saying, as he and Harley followed them out of the dining room. "I just feel like brunch is something I should have, because I feel so fancy – it must be the pajamas."

Bruce sat down, burying his face in his hands. "Sir, I've boiled the bed-sheets and started scrubbing down the bedroom," said Alfred, re-entering the dining room. "Do you want me to burn the pajamas the clowns used, or just boil those too? Sir?" he asked, as Bruce didn't respond. "Are you all right?"

"I will be," said Bruce, slowly. "I think I just lost him again, Alfred. It's like seeing him become Two-Face all over again, watching him fall back among those thieves and villains – he's better than them, Alfred. And he deserves better than to be led astray again by bad companions."

"Well, we can't force him to choose otherwise, can we, sir?" asked Alfred, gently.

"Maybe I can't," said Bruce, raising his face suddenly. "But maybe Batman can."


	10. Chapter 10

"We should have stolen those pajamas," voiced the Joker, as he sat eating brunch in the Iceberg Lounge with Two-Face, Ivy, and Harley. "They were crazy comfortable."

"Now puddin', you know I prefer it if you don't wear pajamas in bed," purred Harley, kissing his cheek. "I'm a lot more comfortable when there's no barrier to our fun anytime of the day or night."

"That's it, I'm vomiting up my brunch," muttered Ivy.

"If you're going to the bathroom, I'll go too," said Harley, standing up. "That tea went right through me – I don't know how Jervis drinks that constantly without having to go to the bathroom every five seconds. Maybe that's why he always wears his hat, as an emergency toilet."

"So I guess that's it between you and Brucie, huh?" asked Joker, as they left him and Two-Face alone.

"Apparently," agreed Two-Face. "It's sad, but I don't see what other choice I have."

"Have you really known him his whole life?" asked Joker. "Was he less cranky before his parents were murdered?"

"He was less cranky before you tainted their memory," retorted Two-Face. "And I've known him most of his life. I certainly know everything about him, or I thought I did…but it turns out he's just like all the rest of those rich snobs, wearing a mask of decency to hide the fact that they're two-faced."

"I think that's what people call irony," chuckled Joker. "That after all this time, he's the two-faced one out of the both of you, when you're the one who looks the part."

"Yeah. It's not funny," said Two-Face.

"Oh, it is, though," replied Joker, grinning. "And who would have thought a spoiled, selfish playboy billionaire was just pretending to be a good guy all these years? I sure wouldn't. Those types of people are always selfless and generous, and place a huge value on friendship over fortune."

"You're being sarcastic, aren't you?" asked Two-Face. "It's hard to tell – your tone is always pretty sarcastic."

"Then it's a pretty good bet that I'm always being sarcastic," retorted Joker.

"We're back, puddin'," said Harley, coming over to cuddle him before sitting down.

"Thank God – I missed you like crazy, Harl, and I definitely couldn't have lasted another five minutes without you," said Joker. "See?" he added, turning to Two-Face.

"Aw, puddin', you're such a sweetheart," sighed Harley, kissing him.

"Harvey, it's strange to see you back here among the rogues," said Oswald Cobblepot, otherwise known as the Penguin, heading over to clear up the table personally. "I thought I'd read that you'd reformed."

"I have," said Two-Face, nodding. "I don't intend to commit anymore crimes. But I have found that I prefer the company of criminals to that of the social elite."

"You mean you prefer honest crooks to crooks who pretend not to be crooked," said Penguin, nodding. "I quite understand, and sympathize. I too am a reformed rogue who maintains ties to my criminal associates. I find the world quite unbearable without a little insanity in it. Plus there's no profit in being good. I think that's why children are taught that being good is its own reward, because that's the only reward they'll have by being good."

"Well, there's obviously profit in_ pretending_ to be good," muttered Two-Face. "Everyone at that party last night was rich, and they've certainly hosted enough charity benefits to keep up the appearance of goodness, Bruce included."

"Yeah, like they don't skim off the top of those charities," snorted Joker. "How much of the money they raise do you actually suppose goes to the worthy causes they claim to support?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure all of Bruce's donations did indeed go to Arkham," said Two-Face.

"But obviously not to strengthen security," commented Ivy.

"No, it was probably mostly to pay for my treatment," sighed Two-Face. "That's why I just don't understand…Bruce has always been the best of friends going above and beyond the call of duty in every respect. I don't understand why this is the line in the sand he's drawing – you'd think after all his charity toward Arkham, he'd be a lot more sympathetic to its inmates and my relationships with them."

"I think he was just shocked at seeing us, Harvey," said Ivy. "Particularly the clowns, and after what they did in his parents' bed, he probably wasn't thinking straight through all the rage. Maybe you should go back and talk to him when he's calmer, and had less of an unpleasant awakening. He might apologize and you two could reconcile."

"I'd only consider reconciling with him if he accepts you, Pam," said Two-Face. "And me, the way I am now."

"I don't like defending Bruce Wayne," spoke up Harley. "But I kinda agree with Red – I think if he's been your friend for that long, you should give him another chance. And maybe if he got to know Red, he'd love her as much as we all do."

"Yes, we all do," agreed Joker, smiling at Ivy. "There's just so much to love – the sexist vendetta against an entire gender, the racist vendetta against the entire human race, the sexual attraction she has to plants…"

"No, you're right," agreed Two-Face, nodding. "Not about Pam, Joker, but about Bruce, Harley. Maybe I should invite him out to dinner, with just him and Pammie and me, and let him get to know her one-on-one. It can be a peace offering, and a double date. Not that I really want him to bring a date that would distract from getting to know Pam..."

"He could bring Selina," suggested Ivy. "She's a pal, and could put in a good word for me, if she's in a good mood anyway. She's like a cat in more ways than one – sometimes she's just a bitch for no reason."

"I think it's a great idea," said Joker, beaming. "We could even make it a triple date, with Harley and me!"

"I think in this case, the fewer people the better," said Two-Face, slowly. "Nothing personal, I just think you might distract from Pam with your typical annoying and attention seeking brand of humor, like at breakfast this morning."

"Yes, I am very distracting," agreed Joker. "In the best sense of that word. Events are a snoozefest unless I'm involved, and you'll need me to liven up the evening."

"No, we won't," retorted Ivy. "And nobody wants you there."

"It's not that - I just think a small, intimate setting with as few people as possible is the best way to get to know somebody one-on-one," continued Two-Face.

"But what about my fun?" demanded Joker. "And my reputation! You can't just invite billionaire Bruce Wayne out and expect me not to try to annoy him! That's just what I do!"

Two-Face sighed. "Harley, can I have a word in private?" he asked, standing up.

"Sure thing," said Harley, shrugging. "You two don't kill each other now," she said, patting Joker on the shoulder.

"No promises," growled Ivy, who was glaring back at him.

"What is it, Harvey?" asked Harley, when they were a good distance away.

"Can I pay you to distract Joker on the night of the date?" asked Two-Face. "Can you just…I don't know, chain him to the bed or something?"

"Well, you wouldn't have to pay me to do that, Harvey!" giggled Harley. "I'd love to tie him up, but he is pretty good at escaping, and anyway, I don't think that's the best way to prevent him from crashing your date."

"What is?" asked Two-Face.

Harley tapped her nose. "You just leave it to me, Harv, I'm a pretty good shrink," she said, returning to the table and pouring herself another cup of tea.

"Well, I agree with Mr. J," she said. "Going out on a date with him is a lot more fun than anything else, especially fighting Batman. We'd love to join you and Brucie. I know my idea of a good time is chatting with the social elite while being all lovey-dovey with my puddin'. I mean, since there are two other couples I gotta compete with, I'm gonna up the affection ante by a billion."

Joker laughed nervously. "Not actually possible," he muttered.

"I'm just really touched," continued Harley. "Normally Mr. J would be spending his evening battling the Bat, but he's decided to put me first for once, and I couldn't be more flattered. It just shows how much he really does love me, and how deeply he cares about me, to put me in front of his ultimate nemesis like that. Yep, the Bat is gonna have to be all alone for one evening, because it's Harley's special night, and I'm gonna show my puddin' just how special he makes me feel all night long – he won't be able to shake me for an instant. I will be all over him like jam on this scone," she said, spreading grape jam thickly onto the muffin in front of her.

Joker looked at the muffin, and shuddered. "You know what, I don't think I wanna come on your stupid double date anyway," he said.

"Oh no, we really wanted you to be there," said Two-Face, looking at Harley, who took a bite from her scone and winked at him.

"Yeah, it's a terrible loss," agreed Ivy, whose tone rivaled the Joker's for sarcasm.

"I just have better things to do with my time," continued Joker. "Plans, y'know, with the Bat. Plans that I can't fulfill if I hang out with lame Bruce Wayne and his freak friends all night. No, you two go have dinner with rich boy Bruce Wayne, and I'll plan a battle with Batman. What could possibly go wrong?"


	11. Chapter 11

"Well, this is…nice," said Bruce Wayne, raising his glass as he sat next to Selina Kyle, and across from Two-Face and Poison Ivy at the incredibly exclusive restaurant at Dini Towers. "To old friends…and hopefully new ones."

"Hear, hear," agreed Two-Face, clinking glasses with him. "I'm so happy you agreed to join us, Bruce. I didn't like the way things ended the other day at breakfast, and I blame the clowns."

"Yes, me too," agreed Bruce, nodding. "They are a constant thorn in one's side. And Batman's too, I'd imagine."

"Well, Batman deserves all the thorns in his side, and everywhere else in his body," retorted Ivy.

"Hey, maybe that'll be Joker's scheme for him tonight," suggested Two-Face. "Although it is a little you, Pam."

Bruce froze with his drink halfway to his lips. "Joker's…planning something for Batman tonight?" he asked slowly.

"Yeah, probably something senselessly and hugely violent," said Two-Face, nodding. "That's his usual style."

Bruce and Selina shared a look. "Well…maybe I'll give Harley a call and see if she'll spill the beans on what they're up to," said Selina, taking out her phone. "Y'know, just so we can…share in the joke and laugh about it too. I'm just curious."

"Curiosity killed the cat, you know," replied Ivy.

"That's what Harvey must love about you, Ivy, your witty remarks," said Selina, sarcastically.

"I love a lotta things about Pam," said Two-Face. "Probably too many to mention. One of those things is her passion for the stuff she cares about, both people and plants."

"Yes, Joker's spread around that info about her literal passion for plants," said Selina, nodding.

"Joker's not here, so let's not repeat the crap he says," snapped Ivy. "I thought you were calling Harley."

"I am – excuse me," said Selina, standing up and dialing Harley's number.

"So Mr. Wayne, is your corporation still strip-mining that section of the Brazilian rainforest?" asked Ivy, taking a sip from her drink.

"Um…I'm not sure," said Bruce, honestly. "I haven't been to a meeting at Wayne Enterprises in months – I've been busy."

"Well, I think they probably are, and I think you should probably stop them," said Ivy. "As head of the company, and with your name on the big building it's headquartered in, anything they do, they do in your name. Do you really want the name of Wayne to be associated with the death of one of the most endangered plant ecosystems on earth?"

"I don't, no," said Bruce. "Harvey's right about that passion you have, Miss Ivy," he added, quickly trying to change the subject.

"Oh please, just Ivy's fine," said Ivy, waving her hand. "I don't want any formalities between Harvey's friends and me."

Bruce nodded slowly, glancing at Selina, who was still on the phone. "The last time the three of us were together having dinner like this…the night ended with Harvey in the emergency room after being poisoned by your kiss," he said, turning back to Ivy. "He almost died because you intentionally tried to kill him. So I think you can see why I'm a little…uncomfortable with this whole situation. It brings back bad memories, for one thing."

"If Harvey's forgiven me for that, why can't you?" asked Ivy. "He's the one I hurt, after all."

"And if I don't stop this strip mining, won't you be tempted to do the same to me?" asked Bruce. "Kill me as vengeance for destroying your plants?"

"Maybe," replied Ivy lightly, sipping her drink again. "But not with a kiss," she added.

"Bruce, why can't you accept the fact that people change?" asked Two-Face.

"Because I've seen so few examples of that," retorted Bruce. "Especially among…the people Batman fights. They never change, in their pointless, predictable schemes nor in the terror they inflict upon Gotham."

"Well, you seem to make an exception for that kitten on your arm," retorted Ivy, nodding at Selina on the phone. "She's one of Batman's occasional foes who engages in casual cat burglary, but you're more than happy to embrace that pussy, as it were. Why can't you let your friend do the same?"

"Harley was happy to blab – Joker's actually not far from here," said Selina, returning at that moment. "Which is convenient…for us being able to watch the entertainment, of course," she finished. "He's at that church a few blocks down for a caper entitled 'Bats in the Belfry,' apparently, and Harley says it involves some explosives and hostage churchgoers to lure Bats in so Joker can kill him in the tower."

"Wow, that does sound amusing," said Bruce. "Excuse me for one moment – I'm just going to use the restroom. Order for me if the waiter comes, please, Selina," he said, kissing the top of her head and then hurrying off to the bathroom. He reached it, ducked into a stall, and then pulled off his tuxedo to reveal the Batsuit underneath. He had hoped he wouldn't need it, but he also knew it was better to be prepared for anything on an evening out in Gotham, especially with Joker on the loose.

He headed over to the bathroom window and opened it, climbing out into the night and grappling over to a nearby building. He could see the church belltower not far off as he sprinted across the rooftops – with any luck, he could subdue the Joker, leave him and Harley tied up somewhere safe, finish having dinner before he was missed, and then return them to Arkham afterwards.

"I'm just wondering why you people are so scared," Joker was saying to the group of terrified hostages as Batman perched on a nearby gargoyle to scout out the situation. "If you're all true believers, you'll be going to a much better place after I murder you horribly. So what's to worry?"

"Maybe they ain't all true believers, puddin'," suggested Harley. "Or maybe they're sinners who haven't had time to make their peace with God. Of course, I'm Jewish, so if you ask me, you're all going to hell anyway for worshipping that Jesus guy."

"Well, I hate to keep you all in suspense about that – no time like the present to find out, right?" asked Joker, cocking the gun he was holding. Batman took a deep breath and suddenly flew through the window, knocking Joker to the ground and sending the gun spinning from his hand.

"Let him go, Batsy, or this place goes up in flames!" shouted Harley, holding a detonator in her hand. "Along with you and all these hostages!"

"And you and Joker!" pointed out Batman.

"I ain't afraid to die – I'm one of God's chosen people," sniffed Harley.

"Yeah, but Joker's not Jewish," reminded Batman. "So you'll be going to heaven, and he won't. You'll literally be parted forever, and you couldn't bear that, could you?"

"Don't listen to him, Harl!" shouted Joker, trying to wriggle out from under Batman. "I'm funny enough to fool anyone into thinking I'm Jewish! Plus I know enough Yiddish expressions that I can probably fake it! Oy vey!" he shouted, as Batman grabbed his arm and twisted it behind his back.

"He's right though – I don't think we can risk it, puddin'," said Harley, slowly lowering the detonator.

Batman took out the batcuffs and wrapped one around Joker's wrist, and the other around Harley's, and then twisted the cuffs around the rope hanging from the bell above. Batman took the detonator from Harley and then hurried over to free the hostages. Harley immediately began cooing over Joker's wound, while Joker began tugging on the bell rope for seemingly no other purpose than to annoy everyone with the racket.

_For once, Joker's incessant urge to annoy people could work in my favor_ thought Batman, grabbing the neighboring bell rope and tying it around Joker and Harley's free wrists to secure them. _Now those two can't move without ringing that bell - I can hear it from the restaurant, and I'll know they're still secure._

"You two stay right there," snapped Batman. "I'll be back later."

"What?" demanded Joker. "You mean you're not gonna take us back to Arkham?"

"Not right now – I have someplace to be," snapped Batman, heading for the window.

"Well, you'll be sorry when we escape!" called Joker after him. "You thought blowing up a church was bad – next time it'll be a kindergarten!"

"Those aren't in session this late!" shouted back Batman.

"The property damage will still take a huge financial toll on the city's already strained educational resources budget!" shouted Joker. "It'll do irreparable damage to the welfare of this city's children, who are its future! But if you want them stuck in this cesspool of crime and violence forever, so be it, Mr. So-Called Gotham Savior! I don't know why any kid thinks you're a hero, because they definitely won't after this!"

"He's gone, puddin'," commented Harley. "But I agree with you. Education is the key to both personal and societal improvement."

"Leaving us tied up here without returning us to Arkham, and then walking out on my conversation," muttered Joker. "Just thwarting and running. It's just rude, I tell you, Harley. I hate people who start things without finishing them."

"Well, since we're all tied up like this, I'm sure I can think of something to cheer us up," commented Harley. "You could start up my engine, puddin'…and then finish it."

Joker sighed heavily, and then looked up at the ropes – with the two of them and the bells tugging against them, they would probably snap with enough force. And force was something the Joker was very skilled at using, especially when he was revving up a Harley. "Well, it's better than just sitting here," he agreed with a smile.


	12. Chapter 12

Bruce returned from the bathroom about ten minutes after he had entered it, smoothing his hair back and hearing the vigorous ringing of bells from a few blocks away. "Boy, someone is really ringing those church bells," commented Selina, glancing out the window. "I guess Batman's battling the clowns now."

"Glad he got there," commented Bruce, taking his seat next to her again. "I'd love to watch him work sometime."

"Oh, come on, Bruce, you can't seriously support that Batman lunatic, can you?" demanded Two-Face.

"I don't see why not," said Bruce, lightly. "Why is that a problem?"

"It's hypocritical," retorted Ivy. "You tell Harvey he can't associate with criminals who are needlessly violent, but you support one just as long as he beats up the kind of people you think deserve it. In what way is Batman different from any of us?"

"Well, he doesn't kill people, for starters," retorted Bruce.

"So inflicting permanent physical and psychological scarring is somehow morally superior in your world, huh?" demanded Ivy. "In gardening, you have to kill the weeds so the flowers can grow, not leave the weeds battered and bruised and think that's gonna somehow give you a beautiful garden. Killing is a necessary evil, especially if you agree with Batman's aims for a Gotham without crime. Or do you think the Joker is just gonna magically reform one day if Batman beats him up enough?"

"I think taking people's lives is wrong," retorted Bruce. "That's a moral line which I don't think anybody should cross for any reason."

"And it's understandable, after what happened to your parents," said Two-Face, gently. "But Bruce, some of the people I used to prosecute got the death penalty, and I never heard you objecting to that. The law supports execution for capital crimes. Is taking people's lives ok when the state deems it so? Would it have been ok for the state to execute Joe Chill if he had ever been caught?"

"If he had ever been caught, I would have fought to reduce that sentence to life imprisonment," said Bruce. "Killing him would have been vengeance, not justice, and I don't support vengeance."

"And life imprisonment is somehow better than execution?" asked Ivy. "Spending years wasting your life behind bars is better than just ending it quickly? I guess you've never really been locked in a cage to understand the comparative mercy of death, Bruce. At least death gives you freedom."

"Maybe for the people who die, but for the people who are left behind, it's the worst cage imaginable," snapped Bruce.

"So this is the problem, isn't it?" asked Two-Face. "This is the thing you can't get past. It's this no-killing principle."

Bruce nodded slowly. "I don't believe that people who can take lives are truly capable of love," he murmured. "Because if they were they would never take a life, because every life they take was loved by someone. And it's inhumane to inflict that loss and suffering on another human being for any reason. My parents' death…broke me. I can't bear the thought of losing Harvey too, and I can't shake the fear in the back of my mind that one day he'll get in the way of your plant crusade and you'll kill him too, as thoughtlessly as cutting down a weed. Just like you tried to do the first time you met him. I almost lost him once to you, and I will not lose him again."

"It's my choice, Bruce," retorted Two-Face. "And you don't have to support anything that Pam does, or even associate with her at all if it makes you uncomfortable. But you will lose me again if you give me an ultimatum, or have me make a choice between you and her. You're my friend, and friends are meant to support each other, even if they don't personally approve of the situation. Like you did when I was Two-Face."

"I only supported you as Two-Face, Harvey, because I always believed that one day you'd come back to us," said Bruce. "Back to the light."

"So if I'm not the person you want me to be, that's the end of our friendship, is that it?" asked Two-Face. "Because if that's the case, I don't think our friendship is worth very much."

"No, Harvey, I just…want what's best for you," said Bruce.

"And you have to trust me to know what that is," retorted Two-Face. "It's my life, Bruce, not yours. I understand your concern comes from a place of fear and love, but you can't try to control other people's lives like that. If you love someone, you have to let them go."

"Wise advice," said Bruce, nodding. "Maybe consider taking it," he said, gesturing at Ivy.

"Bruce, please," said Two-Face. "I've done my soul-searching, and I know who I want to be, and who I want to be with. You either respect me enough to respect my choices, or you don't. That's it. It's not complicated – it's black and white, fifty-fifty, heads or tails. You just have to decide if you can accept the situation, or if you can't."

Bruce suddenly held up his hand for silence. "Do you hear that?" he whispered.

"What?" asked Selina. "It's quiet."

"Exactly," murmured Bruce. He stood up suddenly. "Excuse me, I have to go to the restroom again."

"Do you think it's food poisoning?" asked Ivy, looking after him as he hurried off. "Or maybe he's met a girl in there?"

"Ha ha, very funny," muttered Selina, sipping from her drink and praying that Bruce would be back quickly with a good excuse for running out. Otherwise he could blow his whole secret.

…

"Should have beaten them both into a coma when I had the chance!" hissed Batman under his breath, as he scampered across the rooftops toward the church. He arrived at the bell tower to find it empty – the rope had snapped, and the clowns were gone. Batman sighed, looking around for clues as to their whereabouts, but he didn't have to look long.

"Yoo hoo, Batsy!" called an annoying voice. Batman looked out from the bell tower to see Joker and Harley on top of the neighboring building, waving at him. "Looking for us?"

"If you want a beating, you're going to get it!" shouted Batman, gliding across to them.

"Only if you can catch me!" chuckled Joker. "Run, run, run, as fast as you can, you'll not catch me, I'm the Jokerman!"

_I swear, he's repeating lines now that weren't even funny in the first place_ thought Batman to himself, as he pelted across the roof after them. They suddenly disappeared in the crack between the buildings, and Batman reached the edge, looking down to see where they had gone. It was completely dark in the alley below, and Batman glided down, scanning the darkness carefully. He glanced out onto the street, but there was no sign of the clowns. Sighing heavily, he grappled up to the rooftop again to search for them.

"Yoo hoo, Batsy!" repeated the annoying voice. "Over here!"

Batman turned to see Joker standing on top of a water tower back the way he had come. Batman leaped across the rooftops, vaguely wondering where Harley was…

And then figuring it out when a hammer suddenly slammed into his face. Harley had been crouched at the base of the water tower, hidden from view until Batman had arrived, and she had taken him off guard. Batman reeled back at the blow, managing to avoid Harley's next one by ducking, and then launching two Batarangs at her. One of them embedded itself in the water tower, and water began to pour out, making the roof slick. Batman leaped forward, colliding with Harley, who lost her balance and fell backwards into the water.

"Aw, Mr. J, I'm wet again!" she called up at Joker.

"Nice one, Harl!" he chuckled.

"This isn't water," said Batman, as he climbed to his feet and wiped his fingers through the spill. "That tower's filled with…lighter fluid."

"Correctomundo!" exclaimed Joker from the top of it, lighting a match and grinning. "Not just lighter fluid, but twenty pounds of C4, which will blow this tower outta the sky and cause the roof to come crashing down on this fancy apartment building below! Just a little backup plan – I always have them prepared just in case things don't go according to the original plan, because where would be the fun in that?"

Joker brought the match to his lips to light his cigarette, and then held it over the tower. Batman grabbed Harley around the waist, and then shot his grappling hook at the tower roof, reaching it just as Joker dropped the match. Batman was too late to catch it, but he grabbed Joker and jumped off, and the weight of the three of them ripped the tower off just as it exploded in a huge ball of flame and debris. The force of the explosion sent the remains of the tower over the edge of the roof…and the three of them straight through the window of Dini Towers.

They crashed through the glass, along with a ton of debris, and landed on the table where Ivy, Two-Face, and Selina were sitting. "Harley, you promised me Joker wouldn't crash this date!" roared Two-Face. "That's literally what he's doing!"

"It wasn't Mr. J who did the crashing!" shouted Harley. "It's this stupid Bat-freak!" she said, kicking at Batman as he struggled to hold them.

"Oh my God, this is a disaster," muttered Selina, burying her face in her hands.

"Why don't you let Harley go, Batman?" asked Ivy, trying to pull her free.

"Why don't you mind your own business?" shouted Batman. "And stop interfering in people's lives who are a lot better off without you!"

"Well, somebody had to say it," agreed Joker.

"Shut up!" hissed Batman, restraining Joker's arms behind his back and then doing the same for Harley. "Just shut up!"

He dragged them both out of the restaurant and down the stairs. He had had the good sense to take the Batmobile that night, but to park it safely in an alley around the corner, and he shoved the clowns into the backseat of the car.

"Just stay there and don't do anything!" he snapped.

"Don't you worry, Bats, we already did more than enough in that church," said Joker, winking.

Batman tried not to think about that as he returned to the bathroom at Dini Towers, changed back into his tuxedo, and re-entered the restaurant.

"Goodness, what happened here?" he asked, looking around at the mess.

"The clowns happened. Again," muttered Two-Face. "Along with that interfering busybody Batman."

"Batman, eh?" asked Bruce. "Well, I'm sorry I missed him."

"Are you?" asked Ivy, staring at him curiously. "I don't think you are."

"Why wouldn't I be?" asked Bruce, dread slowly creeping over him.

"What's that on your face?" asked Ivy. "That red stuff?"

"It's…ketchup," said Selina hastily, grabbing a napkin and wiping under his chin, just as Bruce said, "It's blood - I had a nosebleed in the bathroom."

They shared a look. "Well, whatever it was, you'd think you'd have checked a mirror before coming back out," muttered Selina.

"You know, sometimes I'm less vain than you think I am," snapped Bruce.

"But not less vain than Selina, I'm betting, at least not judging by her perfume," commented Ivy. "She's wearing $2000 a bottle _Nightshade_ by Chez Gerard."

"How do you know that?" asked Bruce.

"I invented it," retorted Ivy. "Before my transformation, I was briefly employed as a research chemist for that cosmetics firm, but had to quit for ethical reasons. I always had empathy with plants, and killing them to cover up human body odor was the most humiliating death I could imagine for them."

"Well, I hate to disappoint you, Ivy, but I'm not wearing your perfume," retorted Selina.

"Oh. Then it must be coming from Bruce," said Ivy, lightly. "Awkward."

"Why would I be wearing women's perfume?" demanded Bruce.

"I don't know - maybe it's because you've been in close contact with other women tonight," said Ivy. "As I said, awkward."

Selina glared at him. "I haven't…" began Bruce, but then trailed off when he realized it must have come from subduing Harley. "I…know how it got there, but I'll explain it to you later," he said, pointedly.

"Explain it now," said Selina.

"I'll explain it," said Ivy. "I've figured out Bruce's dirty little secret."

Bruce stared at her, his heart pounding in fear. "He's having an affair with a woman waiting for him in the bathroom," declared Ivy. "That explains everything – the red stuff on your face is her lipstick, you reek of her perfume, and you keep ducking out to see her. You're actually so disgusting that you're two-timing one girl while on a date with another, but I guess the risk of getting caught is part of the thrill in the illicitness of the whole affair. If you want to be with another woman, at least respect Selina enough to break up with her rather than cheat on her while you're on a date. But I guess you're a typical man in wanting to have your cake and eat it too."

Bruce felt relief wash over him, but that was instantly quashed when he looked at Selina, who just glared back at him. They both realized they would have to run with Ivy's theory to throw her off the Batman scent, but that would mean more humiliation for Selina. Bruce silently vowed to buy her her weight in diamonds as he stammered, "Yes, that's…it. I'm…sorry, Selina."

"Oh Bruce, how…could you?" said Selina, trying her best to sound outraged but not really selling it.

"So who is this floozy you're cheating on Selina with?" demanded Ivy.

"Uh…her name is…Chardonnay…Moon," invented Bruce, looking around at objects on the table and out the window. "I met her at…my last party."

"That's pretty despicable, Bruce," said Two-Face. "I don't approve of you two-timing Selina, and frankly, it's a little hypocritical of you to preach morality to me when you're doing something like that. Maybe it's the lack of commitment in your own life that's really bothering you about me and Ivy. But ultimately your problem with our relationship _is _your problem, and something that you have to overcome. We'll leave you to do that," he said, taking Ivy's arm. "Goodnight."

"Selina, if you'd like us to give you a ride home, we'd be happy to," said Ivy.

"No, I'd like to stay here and have a word with Bruce," said Selina, still glaring at him.

"See, it's not me you have to worry about killing you, Bruce," said Ivy, smiling at him. "Goodnight."

"That's what you think," muttered Bruce under his breath as Ivy and Two-Face left the restaurant.

"You're damn lucky I love you, you know that?" demanded Selina. "I should have blown your whole secret then and there. But now I'm forced to be the loyal girlfriend and stand by you like some spineless wimp, even though they think you're cheating on me. I hope you appreciate all the sacrifices I make for you, like my pride and reputation in the eyes of my friends."

"Believe me, Selina, I do," sighed Bruce, sitting down and pouring them both a glass of chardonnay. "I'll do whatever you want to make it up to you."

"Yes, you will," agreed Selina, sitting down next to him and taking her glass. "But for now, let's just enjoy what's left of the dinner together."

Bruce nodded. "I'm all yours for the rest of the evening," he said, kissing her. "Just as soon as I return Joker and Harley to Arkham," he added.

"Great," sighed Selina, rolling her eyes.

"You could come with me," he said.

"Thanks, but that doesn't sound like a fun date, and I didn't bring my suit," she retorted. "Not all of us go everywhere dressed for trouble, you paranoid psychopath."

"It paid off tonight," retorted Bruce. "But at least it's almost over. Just this one quick errand and then I'm all yours, I promise."

At that moment, the Batsignal lit up the night sky. "Oh, come on!" shouted Bruce, startling everyone in the restaurant. "Sorry, just…seen the bill," he invented.

"Uh huh," sighed Selina, rolling her eyes again. "I tell you what, we are both paying for this."


	13. Chapter 13

The next day, Two-Face made his way up the familiar, stone steps of Arkham Asylum. "Harvey, it's great to see you!" said Dr. Leland, meeting him at the entrance and beaming. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling fine, Dr. Leland," he said. "I'm just visiting."

"Well, Ivy's not here – she escaped a few days ago…" began Dr. Leland.

"I'm here to see Harley, actually," said Two-Face. "I know she's here – she, Joker, and Batman all crashed through the window of the restaurant I was in last night."

"Well, that explains her cuts," sighed Dr. Leland. "And to think I was going to blame Joker for them. Can I ask why you want to see her?"

"I need some advice," he said. "And despite everything, she's a pretty good shrink."

"Yes, she is," agreed Dr. Leland. "To anyone other than herself."

"Well, I don't think self-analysis is a strong suit for anyone, sane or insane," said Two-Face.

"True," agreed Dr. Leland, grinning. "Follow me, Harvey."

He obeyed, entering the familiar cell block. It was strange returning to this place – on the one hand, it almost felt like he had been here a lifetime ago. On the other, it seemed like he had just left yesterday. There was probably a word for it, most likely German, he thought. Too bad Freeze was gone, or he would have asked him.

They stopped in front of Harley's cell. She was intently flipping through a book, muttering, "C'mon, there's gotta be some way he can convert without a circumcision…or some way I can surprise him with one that won't cause him to kill me or irreparably damage it…"

"Harley, you have a visitor," interrupted Dr. Leland.

Harley looked up, and smiled when she saw Two-Face. "Harvey, you've forgiven us for crashing your date!" she exclaimed.

"Yes…date…definitely not with Ivy," said Two-Face, nodding at Dr. Leland pointedly. "Because I have no idea where she is."

"Right, right, your date with some woman other than Ivy," said Harley, winking. "Gotcha."

"Very subtle, both of you," sighed Dr. Leland, unlocking the door and letting Two-Face enter the cell. "Don't worry – I know reporting either of you to the police would be worse than useless because you'd never betray her, and I'm sure Ivy will be back here sooner rather than later through her own doing. I'll leave you two alone," she said, heading off down the corridor.

"So what's up?" asked Harley, putting the book down as Two-Face sat down next to her.

"I'm going through…kinda a crisis, and I was hoping you could help," said Two-Face. "You've been in my situation, after all. You're…with a person people don't think is any good for you, and you've cured yourself a few times, but you've always ended up back here…"

"Yeah, being sane ain't all it's cracked up to be," agreed Harley, nodding. "It's the emptiness, I guess, in your head and in your heart. Especially when you know nobody out there can make you as happy as somebody in here. And what's life without love, after all?"

"Bruce…really doesn't think I should be with Ivy," said Two-Face. "And we've been through everything together, but how can I stay friends with someone who doesn't respect me enough to respect my choice of romantic partner?"

"Well, I'm still friends with Red, and she loathes Mr. J," said Harley, shrugging. "It hurts, but you deal with it. Love hurts, and maybe it shouldn't, but it does. I love both Mr. J and Red enough to suffer for them. And maybe you think if they love me, they shouldn't make me suffer for them, but we can't change other people unless they wanna change. And both Mr. J and Red don't wanna change, as you well know. I guess you just need to decide if your friendship with Bruce is worth suffering his disapproval for. If it is, keep it no matter what, and if it isn't, let it go."

"Yes, I'm fairly resolved on that part," said Two-Face, nodding. "Bruce is a good friend…and maybe he's being irrational about this, but I can't judge anybody for that. I want him in my life no matter what."

"So what's the real problem?" asked Harley. "If you've already made up your mind to stay friends with him, why have you come to see me?"

"It's the other thing…the being sane thing," said Two-Face. "I think for a lot of people in here, it's something they can't control. But I think you can. I think you're a strong person, and if you wanted to, you could reform yourself, get over Joker, and go back to being a respectable shrink. But I don't think you want to do that. I think you've made a choice to stay in here, and I just want to know if that's true. And if it's worth it."

Harley sighed heavily. "What can I tell you, Harvey?" she asked. "I wanted to be a doctor for a long time. Growing up, that was _all_ I wanted to be, a shrink. I didn't have any ambitions other than that, and so when I finally achieved that ambition, it was great at first, but then…my life just felt so empty. I realized that what I worked for and dreamed about for so long wasn't enough. There was something missing in my life that my career just couldn't cut. And then I met Mr. J. I know everyone thinks he manipulated me, including him, and he did, a little. But I'm a pretty smart gal, and I do self-reflect, despite what everyone thinks. What he did for me, and for my life, was to give me not only happiness, but a purpose again. And sure, maybe it's not an objectively admirable purpose, supporting a clown criminal, but it feels right to me. I feel whole and complete when I'm with him, which is something I never felt before, all those years as a normal, sane person. Maybe for some of us our path is a little less normal, and a little more twisted, but that's the path that suits me. I think you need to find the path that suits you, and if it's a dark one, so be it. I don't think you were Two-Face for so long because you were conflicted. I think you were Two-Face for so long because, despite your appearance, you _weren't_ torn in two. You were whole and complete for once in your life, embracing that dark side of yourself. I know what that feels like, and I know how surprising it can be, to realize that what you thought was bad for you is actually really, really good for you. But ultimately it's the only choice you ever have to make. Do you accept yourself as you are, with all your faults, and live your life honestly? Or do you hide them and try to fit in, wear a mask and be who everyone else wants you to be? Do you choose the flawless side of the coin, or the damaged one? I made my choice, and I've never regretted it, no matter how Mr. J or the Bat or anyone else hurts me. Because the pain is real and honest, just like me. Mr. J would probably call that quite the joke," she added with a smile.

"Yeah, he would," agreed Two-Face. "You're a good shrink, Harley, I'll always say that for you. Maybe that's why people think you're wasting your talents with J."

"Well, he needs a good shrink's help most of all, everyone thinks so," said Harley, smiling at him. "So I help him. Not really wasting my talents, if you think about it that way."

"I guess not," said Two-Face, standing up. "Thank you, Harley. I have…some things to think about now. But ultimately just one decision to make, I guess."

"Yeah. Good luck with it," said Harley, grinning. "Maybe you could flip a coin."

"You know, I almost wish I could," said Two-Face.


	14. Chapter 14

"Sir, I'm glad you're back," said Alfred, as Bruce Wayne entered his home. "Commissioner Gordon has been trying to contact you urgently."

"Me or Batman?" asked Bruce.

"I suspect both," replied Alfred, dryly. "If he knew you were one and the same. It's Mr. Dent, sir."

Bruce paled. "What about him?" he asked, slowly.

"He's been arrested," said Alfred. "He gave your name at the station as someone who could bail him out…"

"Oh my God, this is all that pushy plant's fault!" exclaimed Bruce. "I told you she was a bad influence! It's no coincidence that the moment he shacks back up with her, he starts committing crimes again! And then he expects me to just sit back and support this woman ruining his life! I'm not going to stand by and see it happen, Alfred!"

"Sir, much as I sympathize with you, trying to come between Mr. Dent and the woman he has chosen will do nothing but ruin your friendship," said Alfred. "If you value that at all, I would advise staying silent…"

"I _am _going to stay silent," interrupted Bruce. "Batman is going to do all the talking."

"No, sir, I really don't think that would be advisable…" began Alfred, but Bruce had already stormed over to the secret entrance to the Batcave, and disappeared down the stairs.

"Fine," sighed Alfred. "Don't listen to me. It's not like I have any life experience at all, any wisdom that I could pass down to the younger generation. But then there never was a man more reluctant to take advice than Master Bruce. Not that I'd call him hard-headed, but I honestly don't think he needs to wear a cowl…"

…

"Did you manage to get ahold of Bruce?" asked Two-Face, sitting in the interrogation room as Commissioner Gordon entered.

"Not yet, but…there's someone else who'd like to speak to you," said Gordon, slowly. He was followed into the room by Batman.

Two-Face's eyes narrowed. "What's he doing here?" he asked.

"I think he'd like to ask you a few questions about the crime you committed," retorted Gordon.

"_Allegedly _committed," corrected Two-Face. "Don't forget I used to be a lawyer, Jim. And I'm more than happy to represent myself when this goes to trial. I also waive my right to having a lawyer present while being questioned by this vigilante nutcase," he said, nodding at Batman. "I can take care of him myself."

"All right," sighed Gordon, heading for the door. "It's hard to see you back here like this, Harvey," he said, turning back to him. "You used to be someone…much better."

"Yeah, the District Attorney of Gotham City," said Two-Face, sarcastically. "What an exalted position. That's all anyone cares about –superficial crap like your position and your career. Nobody cares if you're happy or fulfilled or anything like that. It's all about appearances, this society of sane people. And they call us crazy."

"This isn't the way it has to be, Harvey," growled Batman. "It's not us versus them…"

"Isn't it?" interrupted Two-Face. "Why do you wear a mask, Batman?"

"To protect my identity and spare those closest to me from the wrath of my enemies," retorted Batman.

"Your enemies aren't just the criminals, you know," said Two-Face. "If you ever took that mask off, it wouldn't just be them who would try to take you down. It would be normal, respectable people too – politicians, lawyers, policemen," he said, nodding at Gordon. "People who know that one man shouldn't be the law, and who would punish you if they could, but your mask protects you from their wrath too. If they don't know who you are, they can't condemn you and shun you for the way you live your life, the way normal people always do. Of course the criminals would fight you too, but they're fighting you anyway. Your mask only protects you from one half of society, the half that would hate you no matter what. The half that hates me, no matter what I do."

"Harvey, that's not true!" snapped Batman. "You have people in your life who care about you…"

"I have Pam," agreed Two-Face, nodding. "And Bruce, although I guess he has something more important to do than bail me out here. But I can't blame him for that – he's a busy guy. And Bruce is the only one who claims to care about me, and yet still has a problem with who I choose to be. So it's hard to measure how much he really cares about me."

"It's because he cares about you that he's worried!" shouted Batman. "When you see someone you love about to jump off a cliff, you don't just let them do that without trying to stop them! You don't support them unconditionally when they make crazy and irrational decisions that will ultimately damage them beyond repair! You intervene, because you don't want to see them hurt!"

"It's not about you!" shouted Two-Face. "I can't expect you to understand that, Batman, because you think everything is about you! But everyone makes choices that are best for them, and your opinion really doesn't enter into it! This is the choice I have made that is best for me, and I don't care what you think about it!"

Batman sat down slowly, opening the file in front of him. "Grand larceny is the best choice for you?" he demanded, glaring at him.

"It's a crime that will probably get me sent back to Arkham," said Two-Face, nodding. "Where I belong."

"You don't belong there!" snapped Batman. "That place is for incurable, violent psychopaths…"

"You mean like Jervis Tetch, the man who was driven to madness for the love of a woman, and who then reformed into a kind, sweet, caring man who wouldn't hurt a fly?" demanded Two-Face. "Or maybe you mean Mr. Freeze, the man who broke the law to find a cure for his terminally ill wife, and who peacefully left Gotham the instant he did? Or maybe you mean Harley Quinn, someone who's in love with an incurably violent psychopath, but who is honestly one of the most compassionate and intelligent women I have ever met in my life? Or maybe you mean Poison Ivy, who cares so much about this planet's future that she's willing to do whatever it takes to save the earth from humanity's excess? Are you even capable of seeing your enemies as human beings? Or is it easier to dismiss the violence you inflict upon them when you see them as nothing more than incurable, violent psychopaths? Arkham is full of conflicted people, some better than others, but that's the world I belong in now. All human beings have two sides to them – good sides and bad sides that they choose to either hide away or embrace. And I've made my choice."

"Your choice to be a criminal?" demanded Batman.

"Yes, if that's the label you want," retorted Two-Face. "But it's pretty rich coming from you. Is that the label you give yourself? Because it should be. I prefer to see myself as a man brave enough to embrace his dark side, without wearing any kind of mask. Which makes me a damn sight more honorable than you."

"A criminal is talking to me about bravery and honor?" demanded Batman.

"Yes, and just like that, you're dismissing me again," said Two-Face, nodding. "You slap the label of criminal on someone, and you automatically see them as something else, something less human, and something that couldn't possibly be correct about anything. You might have respected me when I was DA, but since I'm a criminal again, you can't possibly respect anything I say now. Which, again, is a little hypocritical coming from another criminal such as yourself."

Batman could feel his rage growing, but it was mixed with a kind of desperate despair. He couldn't lose Harvey to those criminals again, the way he had lost his parents...

"Why won't you let me save you?" Batman whispered.

"Save me?" repeated Two-Face. "I don't need to be saved by anyone! Why can't you understand that? Is it because if you can't play hero, you have nothing left? Maybe you should look to your own life and your troublesome Messiah complex before trying to meddle with others, you raving egomaniac!"

"I'm just trying to help you," said Batman. "I'm…your friend."

"You really are delusional, aren't you?" demanded Two-Face. "You're not my friend. A friend would never treat people the way you treat everyone around you, as someone to be controlled, as if everyone but you is some sinner who deserves to be punished. You're a zealot, Batman, a man too blinded by his own vision of the world that he refuses to see anyone else's. You're nobody's friend, not even your own. Maybe if you went out and made some real friends, you could stop with this ridiculous hero obsession that seems to do you and everyone else more harm than good. That's just some friendly advice that I know you'll ignore, because it comes from someone you see as a criminal lunatic who couldn't possibly know anything about anything."

"I've…always respected you, Harvey," stammered Batman. "That's why this is so hard for me to accept…"

"Yeah, see, this is your problem," said Two-Face. "You can't see your enemies as people worthy of respect, or you wouldn't treat them the way you do. You can't even see them as people. But that's _your _problem, Batman, not mine. I will not be someone I'm not for you, or for anyone. This is _my _choice, the only one I've made in a long time. And the only one that matters."

Batman stared at him. "Harvey…I'm sorry," he stammered. "I failed you."

"For the last time, Batman," growled Two-Face. "This isn't about you."

He sighed. "If we're done here, why don't you go scour Gotham and find Bruce Wayne? I'll talk to him. _He's _my friend, not some vigilante nutcase like you."

Batman rose slowly to his feet and left the station. He returned to the Batmobile and removed his mask, burying his face in his hands. For several minutes, he sat in silence with his eyes shut. Then he sighed heavily, changed out of the Batsuit and into normal clothes, and then headed back into the station.

He opened the door to the interrogation room, and Two-Face beamed at him. "Bruce, it's about time! I get it – you were probably busy with some girl. Is it this new Chardonnay woman, or did you patch things up with Selina?"

"Harvey…I'm sorry," murmured Bruce. "I failed you."

Two-Face stared at him. "That's funny – that's exactly what Batman said," he said. "But it's not true, for him or you. He has nothing to do with anything, and you could never fail me, Bruce. You're my friend."

"And you're mine," said Bruce, gazing at him. "And I'm sorry…I can't help you live the life you deserve."

"No, Bruce, don't think like that," said Two-Face. "This is what I want, believe me. It never would have worked, me being a normal guy again. The face would always have scared people off, for one thing. And I ain't the kinda guy who wears a mask. Not anymore."

Bruce nodded. "I guess…that's where we differ then," he murmured. "I'm…always gonna wear the mask."

"You don't have to, you know," said Two-Face. "You know you can always be open and honest with me. I won't judge you, Bruce, not for anything you could possibly do."

"Oh, I wish that were true, Harvey," murmured Bruce. "But it's not. But don't worry – it's my choice to wear the mask, just like it's your choice…to be a criminal again. Maybe they're not good choices, but…they're ours, and that's something."

"Take it from me, it's everything," said Two-Face, nodding. "When you spend your whole life relying on something else to make your choices for you…well, the freedom to make your own, however bad everyone thinks they are, is worth more than you can imagine."

Bruce nodded again as Two-Face stood up. "I think we should probably see what they've set my bail at," he said. "If it's too much, I'll just stay in here until the trial. It's not the first time I've been in a cell, and it clearly won't be the last..."

Bruce suddenly seized him in a bone-crushing hug. "Take care of yourself, Harvey," he murmured. "And of Ivy…maybe you're right, maybe you can help each other somehow. Maybe she can help you in ways I never could…but I'm always here if you need me."

"Me too, Bruce," said Two-Face, returning the hug. "For anything. I'm here for you."

They embraced in silence. "Well, not literally here, obviously," said Two-Face, smiling as they drew apart. "But you know where I'll be."

"Yes," sighed Bruce. "I do."


	15. Chapter 15

"Well, well, well, look who's come crawling back just like I said he would," said Joker, smiling at Two-Face as he was led back into the Rec Room by armed guards. "Got something for ya, although I wish we'd bet real money," he said, flicking the coin at him.

"Thanks, J," said Two-Face, pocketing it and looking around the Rec Room. "Where's Harley?"

"In solitary confinement, where she belongs," retorted Joker. "She tried to mutilate me."

"Don't you two try to hurt each other all the time?" asked Two-Face. "Isn't that like the basis of your sex life?"

"Not like this!" snapped Joker. "This would have been permanently damaging if she had succeeded!"

"I don't know where you got a knife in here, Harley, but you can't go around trying to cut people, even if you think it's for their own good," Dr. Leland said opening the door to the Rec Room and admitting Harley Quinn.

"But it_ is_ for his own good!" exclaimed Harley. "It's the only way he's ever gonna get into heaven! He certainly won't by his actions, so it's gotta be because he converts to Judaism! And the only way he can do that is if he's circumcised! He should stop being such a big baby – babies don't freak out when they get it done," she said, sticking her tongue out at Joker. "But I guess my big, strong bad guy is more sensitive than a baby!"

"Down there I am!" snapped Joker. "If the price for getting into heaven is to mutilate my perfect, God-given manhood, then heaven ain't worth it! Anyway, I've got it all figured out, Harl, as I tried to explain before you got all knife-happy – deathbed repentance is how I'm gonna go. Apparently it doesn't matter how terrible you are in life as long as you apologize right before you die, so that's what I'm gonna do, just before Batsy kills me."

"You have to mean it, you know," pointed out Dr. Leland.

"You think I can't fake sincerity?" snorted Joker. "C'mon, God may be good at reading people, but I'm betting I'm better at conning 'em. For instance, I forgive you for trying to mutilate me, Harley," he said, turning to her and smiling.

"Aw, puddin', you're the best!" exclaimed Harley, embracing him.

Joker looked at Two-Face and then shook his head, mouthing, "I haven't – she's dead."

"Well, it's good to see nothing's changed here," sighed Two-Face, taking a seat on the sofa and picking up the newspaper. The headline read _Two-Face Back in Arkham After Grand Larceny Spree – Rehabilitation Unsuccessful Says Pal Bruce Wayne._

"Didn't give any interviews, huh?" asked Joker, taking the seat next to him while Harley settled herself on his lap. "Had the billionaire talk to the press for you?"

"Yeah, Bruce is good at that kinda thing," said Two-Face, nodding. "I told him to make up something if anyone asks about the reason for my return to Arkham – I doubt they'd ever understand the truth. I don't think Bruce did, really."

"Well, you can't expect a billionaire to understand us," said Joker, shrugging. "He was born into that society, and he's got a great life in it – why would he ever want to be anything else?"

"I don't know. You'd think that maybe you'd get sick of being a useless parasite and want to make a difference, maybe," said Two-Face. "You'd think you'd want your life to mean something."

"Well, if he enjoys it, it probably means something to him," said Joker. "Hell if my life means anything, but I do enjoy it."

"_Mr. Wayne intimated to the press that Two-Face committed the crime because he could not be happy in a society where he was not free to be himself, or to be with the woman he loves, who is believed to be noted supervillainess Poison Ivy, although these rumors are unconfirmed. The couple dated briefly before Two-Face's accident, where Poison Ivy attempted to murder him…_you gotta love the tabloid style that all journalists seem to have adopted now," sighed Two-Face, reading the paper aloud. "But at least Bruce gave them something close to the truth. Glad it's only rumors, though – Pam would hate to have our relationship confirmed in writing, even if it is the _Gotham Gazette_."

"Harvey, you have a visitor," said Dr. Leland, re-entering the room.

"Bruce?" guessed Two-Face.

"No, it's a Francois DuBois," said Dr. Leland.

"Frankie!" exclaimed Joker, leaping to his feet and knocking Harley off his lap. "Before he leaves, I need to give him an order for a new suit! My old one has really become unusable since that dip in the piranha pool – their little razor teeth ripped it to shreds."

"I wonder why he wants to see me – I haven't ordered anything from him in months," said Two-Face, puzzled as he stood up.

"Maybe he's heard you're back in here, and expects some new business from you," suggested Harley. "You'll need a new suit if you break out of here, after all."

"I guess," agreed Two-Face. He followed Dr. Leland to the visiting room to see the premiere supervillain tailor of Gotham City. "Hi, Francois…"

"_Monsieur_ Dent, it was your idea for Pierce Chapman to announce that he and I are an item, was it not?" demanded Francois, glaring at him from across the desk.

"Uh…yeah," said Two-Face, slowly. "I just thought…he shouldn't be ashamed of it…since you're a great guy and all…so there was no reason to keep it a secret…"

Francois looked at him, and then suddenly seized him and kissed both his cheeks. "That is the kindest gesture anyone has ever done for me, and I have you to thank for it," he said, beaming at him. "Pierce told me he was inspired by your courage, and he did not care who knew about us. He said if you had the bravery to return to the madhouse to be with the woman you loved, then he had the bravery to tell his friends about us. And while I cannot say everyone has accepted it gracefully…the fact that he would risk the ruin of his reputation for me means more than I can say. And it is because of you that he had the courage to be honest. I am honored to call you my friend, _Monsieur_ Dent, and I am in your debt. If you are in need of a new suit in the future, you will be receiving a substantial discount on it. I have your measurements on file – you just let me know the details," he said, standing up.

"Oh…wow, thanks," stammered Two-Face. "Joker said to tell you he's in the market for a new suit, and I was thinking of maybe borrowing a look from him and going half purple, half orange."

Francois just looked at him. "My debt is now repaid – I am going to prevent you from committing fashion suicide," he retorted. "Those bright colors work for _Monsieur_ Joker because of his unnaturally fair complexion, but they would be hideous on you with your darker facial deformity. No, you should stick with the black and white palette, for your own sake."

"Well, you're the fashion guru," said Two-Face, shrugging. "I guess," he muttered, heading back toward the Rec Room. On the way, he passed Dr. Leland's office.

"Harvey, can I see you for a moment?" she asked.

He nodded, entering. Dr. Leland put down the file she had been reading and looked at him. "Tell me the truth," she said, holding up the file. "You don't really belong in here, do you?"

"I don't know what you mean…" began Two-Face.

"This robbery you committed, there was nothing insane about it," she said, opening the file again. "It was a standard bank robbery, with no coin to dictate it, and not a costume in sight. They should have sent you to Blackgate, a real prison where they send perfectly sane people who just make bad choices. Because that's what you are now, isn't it? A perfectly sane man who just makes bad choices. This isn't a relapse into insanity for you, and frankly, I'm a little peeved that you're claiming it is. It looks bad on our rehabilitation success rate, for one."

Two-Face looked uncomfortable. "You're right," he said at last. "And I'm sorry if it reflects badly on you, Dr. Leland…"

"It does, but I'm more concerned about its effect on you," she interrupted. "I mean, people are going to catch on if you're not careful, Harvey."

"Catch on?" repeated Two-Face.

"That this whole insanity thing is an act," she said. "If I could figure it out, that means someday somebody else will too. Somebody who's in a position to make your life very difficult, and remove you from here permanently. Unless you play up the insanity aspect of it," she added, looking at him pointedly. "Joker gave you your coin back, didn't he?"

"Yes," replied Two-Face, reaching for it.

"Then I suggest you use it, in future, if you don't want to be sent to Blackgate," retorted Dr. Leland. "This is a home for the criminally insane, after all. And however you choose to define yourself, you need to make sure you're still perceived as that if you want to remain here. Just a piece of friendly advice," she said, looking back down at the file. "Your secret's safe with me," she added, smiling at him. "And while I can't say I'm pleased to have you back, I am pleased you seem happy to be back."

"I am," he agreed. "Thank you, Dr. Leland. For everything."

"Don't mention it," she replied. "Seriously," she added, glancing up at him. "You are, in my professional opinion, clinically insane, and you need to be in here for your own good, and I don't want to know otherwise."

"Yes, ma'am," he said, nodding. "You won't, ma'am."

"Good. Dinner's at 6 in the cafeteria as usual," she said, returning her attention to her notes. "Oh, and Poison Ivy's just been brought back, which I assume will be of interest to you. She'll join the rest of the inmates in the Rec Room shortly. You have my permission to go now, Harvey, assuming you have your coin's permission as well."

Two-Face nodded, and flipped the coin, which landed right side up. "Yes, Dr. Leland," he said. "Thanks again."

He returned to the Rec Room, casually flipping the coin, and joined Joker and Harley in watching TV on the sofa. Poison Ivy entered a few moments later, and smiled at Two-Face. "Hi," she said.

"Hi," he said, coming over to kiss her.

"Woah, are you allowed to do that?" she asked, pointing at the coin.

"Dr. Leland thinks it would be better if I keep using this to demonstrate my insanity," he replied. "But only I know what it says, and if I'm ignoring it," he added, grinning as he kissed her.

"Cute trick," agreed Ivy, grinning back. "And I agree with her. Better to be safe than sorry about these things."

"That's what I said about your circumcision, Mr. J!" exclaimed Harley.

"Harley, I said if you ever bring that up again, I'm going to kill you," sighed Joker. "And I'm a man of my word, so…sorry, hon," he said, seizing her around the throat and squeezing tight.

Harley, instead of being perturbed by this, seemed aroused. "Oooh, that's it, Mr. J, harder!" she gasped.

"You know, this is pretty hot, Harl," agreed Joker. "If you'll excuse us, ladies and gents, we need some privacy," he said, as he dragged her away, both of them clearly eager to inflict violence upon the other in their twisted, bizarre version of love.

"Well, nothing's changed there," sighed Ivy, taking their vacant seat on the sofa. "Unfortunately."

"Yeah, I don't think either of them want it to," agreed Two-Face. "Change is really overrated a lot of the time. So is sanity, when you get right down to it."

"Is that a fact, Mr. District Attorney?" Ivy asked, cuddling against him.

"It is," he agreed, nodding as he put an arm around her. "I pity the people who have to deal with it. Who'd ever choose to be sane when all the best people in the world are crazy? I know everyone I care about is, and so is everyone who cares about me."

"What about Bruce Wayne?" asked Ivy.

"Oh, he pretends to be sane, but that's mostly an act," said Two-Face. "Trust me, I couldn't be friends with Bruce if there wasn't some spark of insanity in him. Unfortunately he'll never embrace it the way we have, which is too bad. I know he'd be a lot happier if he could."

Outside in the drizzling rain, Batman perched on a nearby tree, gazing through the bars into the window of the Rec Room. He saw Ivy and Two-Face cuddled together in the glow from the TV screen, and sighed heavily, turning away from the light. He had meant what he had said to him – he hoped Ivy could help him somehow, but he doubted it.

All he knew was that without his friend, the night seemed as dark as it always had, devoid of hope. But that was why the world needed Batman after all, and so did he. It was the one bright spark in the darkness of his life. And whether that spark was insanity or not was fairly immaterial. It was something both he and Gotham needed.

**The End**


End file.
